Friday, July 23, 2010


The effing witch is in.


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Depression 101

My period is due tomorrow. Of course, I'm hoping it's not gonna come. But today, I'm depressed. I'm quite sure I'm not pregnant. All the symptoms I had during my first pregnancy are not around. I can't feel any of it. I feel noth'n but an empty womb.

The hubby and I made a pact that we are no longer gonna stress over trying to conceive. I suppose it's just right to do so since this is just the second cycle that we are trying to conceive after I miscarried. But I can't help but get frustrated. I suppose had I not gotten pregnant and miscarried, I wouldn't feel the same thing. Perhaps because I know in my heart that all these struggles boils down to one reason: I miscarried. Had I not miscarried, every morning that I wake up is a gorgeous morning.

If I put my logic into this, we have only been trying for a total of 7 months; 5 before i got pregnant and the other 2 after I miscarried. My brain says that isn't so bad. But my heart. My heart.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Summer and Movies

If I am to name one best thing there is for summers, that would be the movies! Here in the U.S., there always are sought after movies released at this time of the year. Well, mostly the 'kid-friendly' movies, which um, I super like!

If you haven't gone to the movies for quite some time, I suggest to give yourselves a break and go see a movie!

Karate Kid: this is my favorite so far. Jackie Chan never failed me with his movies. Oh ok, he did once in "the spy next door." But this is one good come back! Not only was it funny, but it is filled with life lessons shown in ways that you really get to appreciate, learn and laugh at the same time.

Shrek Forever After: think this is only for kids? Think again. I am very amazed how cartoons/animation evolved through the years. This movie is not a typical cartoon where they just live happily ever after. Instead, it shows real life situations with a touch of fantacy... Are you married and tired of doing the same errands day after day? Do you want your old single life back? Well, you're not alone! Shrek and Fiona are on the same bout as yours. Watch this movie and see how beautiful married life really is, despite all its flaws.

Sex and the City 2: Well, I've always been a fan of SATC! This movie did not level up to the first one in terms of punch lines! It just wasn't as funny and the first one was just better, by far! BUT, if you consider the plot of the story as a basis for a good movie like I do, then I'm pretty sure you'll love this as well, especially if you're married. I actually hoped this came out 3 and a half years ago when the hubby and I just got married... back when he was like mr. big in this movie! back when sitting on the couch and watching tv after work was the highlight of his day, back when he's favorite resto was 'take out'! (but hey, excluding flirting with another woman... 'cuz if that was the case then his neck would have been broken by now! hihihihi) Ok I'm going off the topic here.. but going back, Sex and the City has gone out of its shell; it no longger is just about sex, city, sex, single ladies, sex, and dating. Instead, this movie can touch almost every aspect of womans life; from being a wife in a 'boring' marriage, dealing with menopause and striving to stay young, and taking care of little kids during their terrible years.

Prince of Persia: I watched this movie only because my hubby wants to. But to my surprise, I actually like the movie. The fight scenes were well done with very good graphics. Unlike other action movies, this is not at all morbid and the fight scenes were not lagging. Plus the chemistry of the prince and princess was awesome. And the plot is very unpredictable! This movie is worth watching!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Unhappy Stick


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Dude, I'm The Man!

For the past couple of days, I can't help but pray for the Miracle of Life. I pray as I drive. I pray as I take a shower. I pray as I cook. I pray as I eat. I pray as I wake up. I pray as I go to bed. I pray as I breath. I even find myself praying in my dreams!

You see, we now have all the necessary ingredients for our dream to come true: Good mature eggs, 14 times more than the necessary sperm count, progesterone supplements to help in implantation and more so, to improve the lining of my uterus on the event that I get pregnant. I've gone through all I could possibly do, including 'baby dancing' even while having 3 infected incisions in my lower abdomen, just to achieve this One Great Dream.

I know, I'm being a brat. Other couples try for years and years and they do not complain, while I on the other hand have been trying for only months. Perhaps, I should just be thankful that my every other dream came true: A four bedroom house in a white neighborhood, a loving caring husband, a successful career and financial freedom in my mid twenties. All these I brag to myself. I fool myself into believing that I'm the Man! Looking back, I could not see any other instance that I have prayed as much as I have now. And this gives me the realization of what a fool I have been. Why only pray so much now? What's up with the 'quick' prayers during the times when I thought I had it all? I am such a fool.

I hate to admit this, but I deserve the miscarriage. I deserved to be heart broken because of that.

And I do not deserve the house, the family, the career. Yet, GOD provided me with all that. HE never stopped pouring all these blessings despite me being thankless.

I must also admit, that there are several times that I do not post, or hesitate to post a blog when there is so much about GOD and my faith in HIM. As I've said, I'm the Man!!!! Not some nerdy, nun-like lady! Dude, I'm cool ya' know!? :)

But it's about time to make things right. I should not care if there are people who'll think negatively of me for posting a blog on my Faith in GOD.

And today, I pray for forgiveness for all the years when I didn't praise GOD enough. I pray for forgiveness for all the years that I rarely pray. And I thank GOD for giving me all the possessions I have even when I do not deserve it. I thank GOD for binding my husband and I into a wonderful happy blessed marriage.

And once again, I pray for the Miracle of Life. I pray for a healthy and safe pregnancy in the near future. GOD, it is only through your power and glory that our One Great Dream will come true. These are the desires of my heart. But nevertheless, it is not my will, but YOUR Will be done.

1 John 5:14-15
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him

I end this blog with a note: Dude, I am the Man! For I am a woman with One Big GOD!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

What If, The Going Gets Toughest

Yeah... toughest.

The night when I was prescribed the shots, my hubby gave me the 1st shot. The bad part was, since he was the one giving me a shot, I did not have a hand to hold. Instead, I just wrapped my arms around my pillow. Then he pricked me with an eeeniii meenie needle which didn't hurt a lot. But as soon as he pressed the syringe, I could feel a burning sensation as the med penetrated my skin. It felt like a sting of a bee... of jollibee! (no, i didn't scream this time. perhaps it was tolerable!)

But what made matters worse was that despite staying home to rest and have a lame 3 day long week end, one of the four incisions became painful. On that Friday night, I could not sleep because of discomfort. It wasn't so bad, but it wasn't getting any better either. Then by Saturday, I saw puss draining out of it. Sunday came and I could barely stay sited at church because the incision was very painful when my skirt rubbed/pressed against it. By Monday, it seemed that all the puss has been drained out.
I then woke up on a Tuesday morning and drove to work thinking that everything was fine. But as I drove, I could feel the pain in my incision to be getting worse. When I got to the office, I immediately looked for Hydrogen Peroxide to clean it up and hoped to make myself feel better. But when one of the supervisors found out that my incision has an infection, I was asked to go to the doctor immediately.

So I was back at the clinic on a gloomy Tuesday morning. The doctor examined the incision, not just by looking but by squeezing it. agooyy!!

doctor: "ok rei. there's definitely an infection there. I need to remove the stitch out and drain it."
rei: ****shocked**** "huh??"
doctor: "we have to be aggressive. because what happened was the outside was healing but inside was not."
rei: ***still shocked*** "ok."
doctor: **dips a cutip to the hydrogen peroxide*** "ok rei. this will hurt but we have to do this ok?"
rei: ***scared and shocked*** "ok."
doctor: ***rubs the cutip hard on the incision to make it open more***
rei: ***screaming**** "aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!"
doctor: ***gets a pair of scissors, sticks it through the incision, INSIDE the wound and cuts the stitch***
rei: ****screaming*** "aaahhh!!!!!!! ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!! ouchhhhhhhh!! crappppppppppp!!!"
doctor: ***gets another cutip*** "ok rei, I'll show you how you have to clean your wound. You or your husband have to be do this two times a day for the infection to heal."
rei: ***shocked*** "huh? ok"
doctor: ***shows the cutip to Edward. sticks the half of the head of the cutip INSIDE my wound, moving and rolling it from left to right***
rei: ***screaming again and squeezing Edward's hand as he became pale while watching what the doctor was doing**** "aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
doctor: ***took the cutip out after about a second or two***

Danggg!!!!!! Just when I thought all the pain is done, there came another one! The worst part was, it had to be done twice a day for the next 4-5 days. SShheeessshh!!! While still kinda traumatized from what just happened, my doctor told me we were then gonna have an ultrasound to see how my follicles/eggs were doing.

Voila! My eggs grew!!! woohooo!! But oh, it was just 14mm and we need 20. So I was prescribed 3 more shots. But I so didn't mind. After going through what the doctor did to my incision, the shots and the burning sensation became nothing!! And knowing that it worked for me made me luv the med. ohh i luv et!!!

Yeah, 3 more burning shots for 3 days and at least 4 days of traumatic-cleaning of my incision. ouch! sus maryosep! kasakit!!!

But when the going gets toughest, the toughest gets going!

Let's go beybehhh, lets go!!!

Monday, June 7, 2010

When The Going Gets Tough.....

The going gets, TOUGHER!

Yeah... I mean, the going really gets tougher!

We just had a long memorial day week end. And for the first time in more than 3 years, the hubby and I are staying home. Oh! I just miss the days when we drive out of state for the long week end... to Arizona, Utah, Nevada! Despite all the eagerness, we are but forced to stay home since my doctor advised me that I have to take it easy until a month after the surgery.

Staying home wasn't so bad at first because I had a doctor's appointment that Friday and I was eagerly hoping for a good news. It had been 15 days since since I stopped my Birth control pills and 10 days since I had my period and 8 days since I started taking meds to make me ovulate.  And it was time to check if my meds worked; to check if I am about to ovulate.

As we drove to the doctor, I could not help but pray a gazillion times. I can not tell how many times I put my hands together, with fingers entwined, eyes closed and prayed for it to work. My husband could attest to that. I just really want my meds to work.

So I was again back at the ultrasound room, lying on the table with my legs up the stirrups. And that's when we found out that the meds I was taking didn't work for me. :( My follicles that stores the egg wasn't growing and my uterine lining was thin. even though I knew we can up or switch meds, I was in shock when the doctor told me that it didn't work. I just didn't want to wait for another cycle. I mean, com'n, I've been on the pill for months after the miscarriage and now this?!?!?!

But, thank GOD I didn't have to wait for another cycle! :) My doctor told me to switch meds that day! woohooo!!!  Well, it's not all that good though... because I was switched to SHOTS. ar-ouch! I will no longer drink the meds once a night but instead, I will be given shots, once a night for the next 4 nights. agoyy! For somebody who hates needles, that's a super duper big step. But when my doctor said that upping the dosage of the meds I was taking will make my uterine lining thinner, I agreed to proceed with the shots instead. Still concerned about my ovulation, I asked my doctor what my chances are of ovulating this cycle. And yeah baby, he said 100%!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Considering that they initially wanted me to have an HCG, I felt better that they are doing a Saline Ultrasound instead. As per the doctors, HCG gets an 8 while Saline U/S gets a 4 in a pain scale, with 10 as the worst pain. Better ayt??!

Within 17 hours of knowing about the Golf ball sized cyst in my ovary, we are again back at the clinic. My doctor explained the procedure and the reasons why i need to relax through out the whole procedure.

Doctor: "ok rei. i need you to relax ok? I will be inserting the catheter into your cervix and uterus"
rei: "Ok." **nods my head and inhales and exhales*
doctor: **inserts the catheter**

Crap! that was not a 4, that was an 11 in the pain scale!!! I wanted to scream "AGOYYYYYYYYY!!! KASAKIT!!! PISKOT KANG BUANGA KA!!!! TANG-TANGA NA!!! LAMI KAAU KA BADJAKAN!!!!^%$$&***$%^&$#<>)&$^!!!!!"

But even in great pain, i tried to keep my composture. Instead of screaming what's in my heart and mind, I said:

rei: "ahhh! ouchhh oucchhh oucchhh!! it hurts!!!"
Dr: "i need you to relax rei so we can finish the procedure"
rei: **thinks: 'SYADAP!!! PAGHILOM DIRA!'***
nurse: "rei, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale... you have to breath rei. you have to relax and breath"
rei: ***thinks 'isa ka pa!! anak ka ng hinayupak!!' and obeys the nurse as I breath like I was on labor!!

There was nothing that i can do but breath and try my best to relax. I looked at my husband, hoping i could gain some strenght. But as soon as my eyes met his, i could tell, his balls went straight up his crotch!!! Like as if he's the one in pain!! And no, he can't help me relax because he was even more panicky than I was.

Just when I thought I can't take it anymore, the pain was gone and the doctor said the procedure was over and confirmed that my uterus has no abnormalities!!!

What a relief.

Praise God!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Golf Ball in My Ovary

As I was looking at my partially healed surgical cuts on my lower abdomen, i just remembered how busy the past month has been; juggling my work and doctor appointmentseseses! Frustrating, exciting,and fun.

After I miscarried, my doctor put me back on the contraceptive pill and ordered a series of test for me and my husband.

The test was kindda unfair really. It favors my husband. All he needed was um, porn. Then, voila! He's done! The best part was, he passed it with flying colors. All the spermies are even better than normal! They're in good shape, swim fast and there are lotsa lotsa of them!!!

Then it was my turn, several blood tests, series of ultra sounds, pelvic exams, etc etc. ssheeessh.. i felt violated. But for our baby making plans sake, i had to go through it. As expected, they found 1 condition from my blood test. Now we know why I only ovulated once in 6 months, and a possible reason why I miscarried. Right there and then they told me that they can give me a medicine to solve that problem! My heart leaped for joy and my soul seemed to have gone to heaven and back! Oh i just can't wait! Then that same day, I was sent to the ultrasound room for one last ultrasound before they can prescribe me the meds. There I sat, wearing their blue gown, flipping my hanging feet, dancing my happy dance, singing out loud "I'm gonna get pregnant... pregnant... pregnant! I'm gonna get pregnant, pregnant! yeah baby! yeah baby!"

Then the doctor stepped in. I gave him the worlds biggest smile.... only for him to wipe it off my face. Unfortunately, the cyst on my ovary quadrupled in size in less than 2 months. It was as big as a golf ball and could still be growing...He strongly suggested to have it removed after I have a Saline ultrasound and keep me on the contraceptive pill again for another month or so.

The doctor cut the middle of his sentence and asked, "Are you ok?", to which I answered yes. Then he said, "you seem," and that's when i realized that I looked obviously stressed as I was rocking myself back and forth as he was explaining the procedure and the reasons why he strongly suggests i go through it. And so I gave him an honest answer, "I'm just scared," and once again, tears started to fill my eyes.

I was at lost. I was just there, trying to grasp as much information as I can. My ignorance on this matter ate up my strenght and left me weak in my knees. Back then I didn't know the answers to these questions: Will they be able to save my ovary? What will happen next. Will I ever be able to conceive again? Will I?

But right now, I have no better words to say but "Praise God for a successful surgery!! PRAISE GOD!!!".

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Do you know what bangungot is?

It's that bad dream where you try to shout a top your lungs but nobody can hear you.

It's that bad dream where you try to run, run so fast, but your legs fail you.

It's that bad dream where you try to move every inch of muscle in your body, but you just can't.

It's that bad dream where you fight with all your might, yet, you just fail.

But the question really is, have you ever had it while you were wide awake?

Have you tried to scream and nobody seem to hear you?

Have you tried to run and even your legs seemed to have abandoned you?

Have you tried to move on, but you just, just can not??

Have you tried to fight, yet you never really had the chance to win?

Have you?

Thursday, April 15, 2010

If enviousness could kill...

If enviousness could kill,

I could have died last Saturday...

I'm suppose to write about the bad stuff in New York. But, for now, I prefer to get this off of my chest.

A note to Mr. & Mrs. prego: Well, I'm blocking you from this blog to avoid possible misunderstanding but is adding this note just in case. I really am very happy for both of you. You deserve such a wonderful blessing. And I'm sorry for being envious...

As soon as I woke up last Saturday, I was immediately reminded of the Baby Shower that we are gonna go to. For some reasons, I felt the need to wait for my hubby to go home before I go to the Baby Shower. Not that I was sad; I actually did not know why. But I just really wanted to wait for him; and so I did.

As soon as we got to Ate M's house, I felt awful. :( I did not see it coming. I did not understand why because I was actually excited for that event a few days before. But as soon as I stepped in, I was shocked to have that familiar feeling: ENVY.

I was envious; Envious of my preggy cousin in law, who I'll call Mrs. Preggo in this blog. I knew that what I was feeling was totally wrong. But how, how can I not be envious when she gets to celebrate for having something that I lost? How can I not be envious when she has a big fat belly, while I, I, I have but an empty womb. She gets to celebrate life, while I had to mourn death.

I know. I know. The world does not revolve around me. This is very selfish of me. But that is why I chose to wear a 'happy' mask that day. As I did not want to rain on their parade, I decided to keep all my sadness in my chest. As I kept it in, I felt my heart like a dam with water to its brim, just about to overflow.

I compose my self. I smile a fake smile.

My husband seemed to have seen passed my thick mask. He asked, "ok ka lang mahal?" Then I lied and said, "yes, I'm ok." Then I turned my back to go to the bathroom. And there I sat, starring at it's turquoise-like wall; feeling the soft rag beneath my feet; rocking myself back and forth; pushing tears away from my eyes, on to the dam - deep, deep inside my heart.

It was hard to keep it in, but I had to. I can't even cry on husband's arms because it will just open a can of worms. And most importantly, it was the day for Mrs. Preggo to celebrate and be happy! It was a happy event, and so be it.

But thank GOD for being there for me... that day wasn't so bad when it ended... in fact, twas good!

Psalm 46
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Sweet New York

As a way to help me move on, I thought that since we do not have the luxury of time to go to Japan or China, we are just gonna go to new york for the week end. This way, we get to see how beautiful life really is and more so, I'll be having less time remembering the sad thoughts of what we've been through.

Yes, I just want to move on and get over it. I want to think that all that happened is just a bad dream. I want those thoughts off my head. I want it off NOW.

It was a Thursday when I decided I want to leave the state. By the time my hubby got home, i already have my bag packed. He thought it was some kind of April Fool's joke. But no, I'm not kidding anyone. I want to leave the house. Well, not for long and not alone of course.

Friday afternoon, I left early from work and went straight home just to get our bags and share the ride with my hubby.

American Airlines 1st class is super awesome! It's the most relaxing plane ride I've ever been to. The moment I sat on my seat on the plane, i felt a big relief in my heart. Ahh, i deserve a break! The whole ride was all so smooth! and the fancy fine dining experience while up up up in the air... spectacular! Not to mention, in a press of a button the chair gives me a back massage. ooohhh. so good. and just when I am ready to sleep, i can press another button to let the chair turn into a bed. ahhhh, isn't that phenomenal?. But who can sleep when you are provided with a personal entertainment system with a sound omitting bose headset! I wanted to stay awake and enjoy every piece around me. Ahh, praise GOD for this wonderful vacation.

But oh, I just realized I am wearing 3-4 inches stilettos and left my boots at home. Darn. Now, how will I get to go around new york in this uncomfortable shoes?!

We took a cab on Saturday morning to go to the Jamaica station. Before we hop in the subway, we decided to walk around to look for a convenience store so we can buy a pair of shoes. Despite the place being so eerie, we walked in and out of stores and left with one choice... a pair of super duper yellow shoes. sheeesshhh. I look like big bird or spongebob. But don't tell bigbird and spongebob cuz they'll surely be offended.

For once in my life, I just didn't care how i look. All I want is to have fun. We went to empire state, Madison square garden, Rockefeller center, central park, times square! All in one whole day! And oh, for lunch, we bought hotdog in a bun. It kindda felt weird buying food off a cart in New York. I wondered, "are those clean?." Perhaps it was! But regardless, it was all so yummy.

For dinner, we bought what New York is known for: PIZZA!! In all honesty, it was the best pizza ever! The cheese was soo sooooo good! Ahh... as I type this i crave for it!

To those who have been in NY, you know that NY has it's own flaws. But guess what, the flaw is so badly flawed and deserves a different blog entry!! You oughta read my next blog and be warned before flying there... gggrrrrrr

Don't get me wrong though! Because New York, even with all it's flaws, is such a wonderful place to visit. Will I ever come back? With out a doubt, OF COURSE I WILL! I love new york!

Friday, April 2, 2010


Ok. So I've written a lot about what I was going through lately.

My mom flew all the way from the Philippines to help me go through the pain. Well, she never had a miscarriage and she could conceive by just winking her eye. But you see, she's my mom. She may not know the experience first hand, but she undoubtedly is connected to me. All the happiness in my life transcends from my heart to hers; and so are the stab of excruciating pain as it quivers its way down my spine.

At one point she told me not to loose faith. She wants to make sure that I won't be like others who backslid.

That is, however, something that is far from happening to me. I may have questioned HIM but never did I loose hope. In fact, the experience made me realize how much room I have for growth in faith. This experience made it clearer to me that I need HIS help to have a stronger faith; And that HE really has plans that I could not foretell.

This reminds me of our 'failed vacation plan.' A week ago I felt the need to go out the country. Not in the Philippines but somewhere that I've never been before. Perhaps, I need to unwind to help myself be back on track. Immediately, I looked for visa requirements to go to Japan. I emailed my always reliable friend Ivy, who was of course very happy to help. I was so ecstatic and I can just imagine myself having fun and going back to the states with a fresh start. Then came Monday, bad news. With our very frantic schedule and jobs, it is just NOT doable. We just can NOT. To my surprise, I wasn't very disappointed. Honest-to-goodness, the first thing that came to my mind was "GOD must have better plans for me!!." Admittedly, I am not the kind of person who normally thinks like that. The typical R****lyn would be very disheartened.

And so I wonder, "what could be a better plan than a trip to Japan?". Ahhh, perhaps GOD is in the works of sending me the Miracle of Life. SOON.

But on second thoughts, I could also be over-reacting, or rather, over-faith-ing. I feel like so enthusiastic to have the gift of life that I over-analyze it.

I just IMAGINE my self accidentally dropping the remote control and asking, "Why?? Why did this happen?? Why did I accidentally drop the remote control?? What is God's plan?? Is HE going to send a new LED 50 inch TV so our soon to be baby can watch spongebob on the big screen?".

I laugh at myself.

Oh men, maybe I'm just expecting too much. Why can't i just pray, "I surrender my life to YOU. May YOUR plans happen, with or with out a baby in the near future. Whatever YOUR will is, I will be shouting for joy."

Instead, I can't help but pray for the miracle of life. I pray that I will soon bear a child. I pray for a healthy pregnancy. And again, if this is not in YOUR plan in the near future, I pray for strength, that I could get by.

In steadfast, I believe, there is a reason as to why the Trip to Japan can't push through. And yes, it may not be because the baby is coming that soon, but whatever the reason is, I look forward to it; For HIS plans are always by far better than mine. Ah! HE’s awesome!

For now, I keep my contraceptive pills in my purse; and will once again, take one tonight. **sigh**

Monday, March 29, 2010


I just had some blood work done 2 days ago. They got 7 tubes of blood! T’was crazy!

I sat as the phlebotomist tied the band around my arms and made 'pitik' the opposite side of my elbow. Pitik 1. Pitik 2. Pitik 3. Then she poked me with a needle. I was relieved thinking that that should be it. As you know, there is only a twinge when the needle penetrates the skin. But alas! She didn't get to my vein. She had to pull it out and try again. She then took off the band and tied it on my left arm instead. Pitik 1. Pitik 2. Pitik 3. Then once again, she poked me with the needle. And for one more time, she missed the vein! This time, she did not immediately take it out. Instead, she kept on moving the needle under my skin: left, right, left, right, left, right! Not once, not twice, but lots and lots of times! she was moving it under my skin like a dog wags it's tail! Darn. It hurt. :( She only took it out when I moaned in pain. Finally, a male phlebotomist took over and took my blood in a sniff.

On a different note, i got a haircut yesterday. :) I got my bangs back! I'm happy that everybody at work loves it! and most importantly, my hubby adores it. I saw that familiar grin lit up across his face as soon as he saw me with my new hair style! ;)

To anyone out there, what is the English of pitik??? More specific than "flick". What is the exact translation?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Power Of Farting

For the past couple of weeks, I had been wearing a mask as I dealt with carrying my own cross. Somehow, I knew I had used my "alloted" recovery time. Much like a game of mario, the "time was up." It was time to move on, regardless of whether I was ready or not.

Four days ago was exactly one month since I had the worst-EST day of my life. I dreaded that day because that was also the day that my period was due. You see, after passing tissues of my baby, blood is no longer the flow of my life. It no longer is what keeps me alive. Instead, to me, blood is synonymous to death. A death to the life of my unborn child; a death to my dream of motherhood.

I have been telling myself to be ready for this day. To be strong as I see a facade of hideous congnizance. In the midst of preparing myself for the day to come, luck must have really just gone out of my way; For my period came 5 days earlier than expected. I wasn't ready. I didn't see it comming and my shield was all the way down.

With it came a massive amount of ill memories that I have locked in a box and thrown away in a big deep wide ocean. This box found its way back to my hands. It was very heavy and I could barely keep my balance. Simultaneously, it felt like I was standing in the middle of this ocean; and tsunami-cal waves were comming my way. My vision started to blur as tears fill my eyes.

Only one question remained running in my head:

"May I, May I please cry for one last time? May I?"

I answered myself: NO. So I closed my eyes really tight. I supposed, I need to hold this in. I moved to my side, lying in a fetal position and put our blanket atop my head to force myself to sleep.

Then I heard a I high pitched sound... "Pooooot". ARGGH! my sleeping hubby farted! Not to mention, he ate lots of prunes. So I pulled my self out the darkness underneath the blanket, away from the rotten-egg-like smell in the air. And I once again looked at the room that I was in; A room that have seemed to have lost its colors; left only with just hues of gray.

I lied there tormented: May I cry?


I remained in the verge of tears.

But looking back, i now just want to hit my edward on the head!

NOTE: this is a true story of my life. believe it or not. grrrrr

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Ang Pagbabalik ni Edward at ang Usapang Panty

Perhaps most of you know my hubby, Edward R C.

He is one fine man. He is not like the adorable hotties in our filipino movies who loves unconditionally and would beg for love in case she changes her mind on him. Far from Gerald Anderson who waits for Kim Chiu for years till she comes back from abroad; Not like Gabby Conception who takes back Angelica Panganiban even after an affair with Derek Ramsey in "I love you, good bye."

He is more like just a guy. He HAD his own share of some flings. Ok lotsa them. And yes, could be just like the guy you are with now, who also HAD dated/fooled more than 1 woman. (note the word HAD: past tense, as in before I came to the picture! as far as i know of course!)

Somehow, as he aged, he matured. He is a way better man than he was before. And the best part is, despite being 'mature', he is young at heart and really makes me laugh. Unfortunately, 99.9% of his jokes are green. So green like that of a grass! I have loved that part of him even though he has some, or quite a lot, (or lotsa lots) of jokes that are off. And yes, these jokes are utterly annoying at times (or a lot of times). Especially when I am unhappy or stressed and he suddenly blurts out a green joke! Not just that, he thinks of something green over almost anything and everything. Like when i say i want hotdog and eggs for breakfast, he shows a grin, and I know what he's thinking! argghh

But for once in 6 years that we've been together, he was speachless too when we were going through that hardest part of our lives. He knew that I needed time to heal the pain. He did not throw any unsolicited advice as to moving on and getting over my miscarriage. He was just there; putting my hair away from my face, geting some clothes for me to change up as I was so depressed to do so, bringing food to our bedroom just so I would eat.

During those days, i felt so weary for this unexplicable event in out life. Moreso, I was devastated with the fact that it had put stress into our relationship as husband and wife. During those days, my hubby remained a serious, non-joking man. While I, I somehow forgot what it's like to smile; I just moaned and groaned all day long.

Days passed and I felt a little better. At that time, I wasn't sure if he feels better also. I assumed he was sad deep inside his heart because I still had not heard anything 'green' from him.

Then, I went to Victoria Secret to buy make up.

When we got home, he looked somehow excited.

dward: mahal?
me: yes?
dward: nakabili ka ng panty?
me: panty????
dward: diba pumunta ka ng victoria secret?? namili ka ng panty?? (with a grin on his face and sorta winks his eye)

And that's how I found out he's moved on... My Edward is back!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Divine Intervention

It was the first Sunday since my miscarriage; the first time that I opened myself up to the world again and saw some of my closest friends;

Just like any other Sundays, I had planned to go to Church that day; Despite knowing that I wasn't ready; despite knowing that I would just be torn when I see pregnant ladies around me; despite knowing that I would go back to square one IF I see a baby. Albeit all that, I faced this insane world, for the bible says that that day should be spent glorifying GOD.

Then, hell seemed to have broken loose.

As my husband and I sat at the end of the row, right before the aisle, a couple walked by and took a sit right in front of us. Oh, not a couple; A family. The dad dragged the stroller with his right hand, and held their baby with his left. Then there was the Mom; with a bump; A baby bump.

As expected, I wept.

While the pastor was giving the sermon, I was trying to pull myself together. And just when I was able to feel strong again, the sermon was over. Out of the blue, the pastor called a couple! When I looked back, there they were; Walking towards the front; carrying a Baby! It was time for a dedication (Christian version of christening/baptism).

All I could do was burry my face on my husbands arm as everybody was saying "ohhh", "ahh", "cuteeeee" every second of the minute! It felt like they are saying it right beside my ear. Like I was being teased such as that of a poor kid. It was so hard to bear and all I wanted to do was walk out. But I couldn't. I knew I should not. So all I did was sob and wallow in anguish. I was angry and envious.

I asked, "God, why? why do you have to push me away? I come to you begging for mercy but you, YOU choose to push me away instead. I was starting to move on yesterday, but now, YOU made me stumble and fall once again." I could not understand why HE wreaks havoc in my life.

All I wanted to do was get out of the church; Quick. But my friend spoke to the pastor and asked him for a time with me. Before I could do or say anything, he was right in front of me, with his hand reaching out. I wanted to do nothing but turn my back. I knew he doesn't have the answers to my questions. I didn't need another person to tell me to get over it and move on. He didn't understand, and he never will. But in respect, my husband and I spoke with him privately.

I asked our pastor, “bakit kami?”

As soon as those words came out, he looked away from me on to the floor. Then he looked back and said “why you? Why does this have to happen to the both of you?? If this happened to my wife and I, I would probably be asking the same question.” Then he went on about God’s so-called perfect plan and that our baby is in heaven.

But I already knew all that. I always go to church, remember?!

Then he asked, “Do you know Job? Have you read the book of Job?”

I realized that even after 17 years in the catholic school, I still do not remember a lot of books in the bible. So we said no.

He opened his bible and started reading some verses; hoping from one verse to another. Each verse that he read are the EXACT same questions that I asked God; Questions I blogged here in facebook; Questions that only my husband have heard; Accusations I made to God; All are in 1 book in the bible. And the pastor was reading it out to me, in spite of not knowing that those were the exact same questions that I have asked. I had to lean forward and look at the bible as he read it to me to make sure that he was not making it up.

It amazed me that he read those because he is not in my fb! And a lot of those questions are too obnoxious to actually post on facebook, and so only my husband knew about it.

Did GOD actually try to answer me through the bible? By having the pastor read to me the questions I asked, which he did not even know about, THEN letting me know what happened in the end?? Or was all that a mere coincidence?

In the end if the book of Job, HE blessed the later part of his life MORE than the first; HE multiplied the properties he owned and gave the same number of children as he has lost.

The nonbelievers will probably find humor in this, but I do, I DO believe that GOD had a divine intervention as HE brought me to that book of the bible in order for me to feel HIM; to let me know that HE heard my cry; To let me know of HIS perfect plans for me that lies ahead. And perhaps, he did not push me away while I was glorifying HIM, instead, as my mom said, HE helped me conquer my fears. HE let me see pregnant women and babies around me while I was at the church, so when I stepped out, I had conquered it all. There is nothing to fear.

I am a firm believer. I believe that there could be more bumps ahead, but I’ll get through it and GOD will be showering me with HIS blessings. HE indeed has a perfect plan.

GOD, in faith I stand strong. Thank you for helping me in this time of grief. Once again, I pray for the miracle of life. I pray for a healthy pregnancy in the future. I pray for a healthy baby. Also, please, please bless me so I would have the strength to endure the pain IF a healthy pregnancy is not in your plan for the near future.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Feb 27 - An End and a Beginning

The first thing I saw on this day was the news on Chile. the 8.8 Earthquake practically tore the homes down. I really did feel bad for them. I feel so sorry.

In the midst of it all, i somehow realized how Blessed my Life was and is. It was an awakening. But still, the burden in my heart was too heavy to carry.

I then spent the whole day lying on my bed, in my room.

As i've spent all 7 consecutive days in my room. (Three of which i spent 8 hours in my office with Door closed; Immediately going straight home after work, back in my room -- door closed.) i have watched all movies in HBO... I've watched all comedy movies and sitcoms, and none of them made me laugh.

I was left with out a choice. Only 1 movie to watch. I hestitated.

It was the move "Baby Mama"

Baby Mama Synopsis (from
Successful and single businesswoman Kate Holbrook has long put her career ahead of a personal life. Now 37, she's finally determined to have a kid on her own. But her plan is thrown a curve ball after she discovers she has only a million-to-one chance of getting pregnant, due to her "T-shaped uterus." Undaunted, the driven Kate allows South Philly working girl Angie Ostrowiski to become her unlikely surrogate. Simple enough ... After learning from the steely head of their surrogacy center that Angie is pregnant, Kate goes into precision nesting mode: reading childcare books, baby-proofing the apartment and researching top pre-schools. But the executive's well-organized strategy is turned upside down when her Baby Mama shows up at her doorstep with no place to live. An unstoppable force meets an immovable object as structured Kate tries to turn vibrant Angie into the perfect expectant mom. However, Angie's husband shows up while Kate is not there and thrreatens with the truth: the baby is from his sperm, not from one of Kate's eggs. Soon Angie's husband reveals the truth. The two women go to court over the case. Meanwhile, Kate has been seeing a man and sleeping with him, but she has no problem--she has a T-shaped uterus, right? The results of the paternity test reveal in court that the baby is Angie's, not Kate's. Angie and Kate refuse to speak to each other, until Angie's baby arrives. On that day, Kate dicovers that she, too, is pregnant. Angie and Kate have two happy lives after that, and Kate's child is always nine months younger than Angie's

In this movie, I laugh for the first time! I laugh with out trying. I do not understand how it happened. But at one point during the day, my heart just felt lighter. And now when i think about it, the movie wasn't even that funny. And how can that be funny for me, when i just Loss a child. But somehow; for some unexplained reason; My heart felt so light; I was "nabunutan ng tinik" in an unexplainable manner.

Well, i must admit. I still think about the baby that i loss. I think about it every minute of the hour; every hour of every day. I still do cry.

BUT... it just suddenly stopped being 'agonizing.'

On Chile

It was another disheartening day i was to face. As soon as I woke up, of course the 1st thing that came to my mind was the loss that I had, or have! In that same instant, I saw the news on TV. I saw people with bigger problems than mine; more reasons to grieve than i do; more lives lost; more mothers left childless/childRENless.

This day, I grieve with them. I feel so sorry for their loss.

Let us all include the victims in our prayers.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6

I'll Be There

I'll Be There
by Claudette T. Allen

Daddy, please don’t look so sad,
Mama please don’t cry~
“Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.”

Please, try not to question God,
Don’t think he is unkind
Don’t think He sent me to you,
and then He changed his mind.

You see, I am a special child,
and I’m needed up above
I’m the special gift you gave Him,
the product of your love.

I’ll always be there with you
just watch the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that’s gleaming,
That’s my halo’s brilliant light.

You’ll see me in the morning frost,
that mists your windowpane.
That’s me in the summer showers,
I’ll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a little breeze,
from a gentle wind that blows
That’s me, I’ll be there,
planting a kiss upon your nose.

When you see a child playing,
and your heart feels a little tug,
That’s me, I’ll be there,
giving your heart a hug.

So Daddy, please don’t look so sad,
Mama don’t you cry.
I’m in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies

Friday, February 26, 2010


A lot of people may not understand what it’s like to loose a child. They do not know why one has to mourn hours after hours, days after days. Especially, when their child has not even been born. Some, don't even believe, that those were not just cells, but Life.

Psalm 139:16
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

They do not understand why one could just not ‘move on.’ Some might think these mothers are just being too hard on themselves; they should help themselves; they don’t have faith; they should not allow the bitterness to swallow them whole. One will really never understand what it’s like until they loose one of their own; because there is nothing like it. Nothing.

It’s unimaginable.

I remember my grandmother Mama Sita said when my Tita Malou died, “outliving your child is the worst thing that could happen to a mother.” At that moment, I thought I could feel her pain. And I prayed that that will never happen to me. I prayed that she will have the strength to endure it.

After almost 7 years, my time has come. It is indeed, my turn to feel the pain. Mine is most likely less painful; But the fact is the same: I too, loss a child. And it is not easy.

I want to be strong for the people around me. But how?

I am dying inside.

I barely have the strength to get a day by…

“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.” Psalm 6:2-4,6-9

Feb 26

For days, i grieved and cried myself to sleep. Somehow, I managed to feel better; though just a tiny bit, but ... Better.

It was a friday and I had to go to work. I woke up early and dragged myself off the bed. I told myself, "today, I'll be stronger." Still devastated, but... Stronger.

Sure enough, i was able to put all my attention to work. Back straight. Feet flat on the floor. Eyes on the monitor. I had always been able to work under pressure, and this, I too could handle. Though iv'e been leaving my office door closed ever since i got back to work, i knew this could/would/should be the last day that i keep it shut. I was getting stronger. I suppose.

Then the clock ticked to 4:30pm. Done with my 8 hours of pretense. An oscar award winning best actress, for acting like as if I'm Ok. I could surely fool the people around me; But i could never fool myself. My heart knew what it feels; And it wasn't like what it showed.

And it's then, i felt the rush of my blood. I felt the need to immediately leave the office. I rushed out of the building. As soon as my foot stepped out, my lower lip begun to tremble. Tears started to fall. I just couldn't make it stop.

I arrived home. In my husband's arm, once again... I broke down.


Today I deleted all the drafts I made in regards to how Happy i was when i knew I was pregnant; How God answered my prayers; How i said he blessed me as soon as I said 'I surrender my life to you;"

I deleted the draft narrating how I reacted with the EPT's. How many EPT's I used.

I deleted the drafts.

In a click of a mouse I deleted these drafts in Facebook.

In a click of a mouse I deleted these drafts in my Hard drive.

If only I can do the same in my heart and mind... I too will delete the sorrow burried in these.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

My Miscarriage & Grief

In this time of grief, I could not help but question, how cruel could HE be? Is this part of HIS plan? Does HE find pleasure seeing me miserable? Does HE take on my life like a teleserye?

I watched all teleseryes last night. And none of them moved me. Aahh, gwen and her brother were kidnapped and her mom was devastated. And I say… her mom was lucky. Her daughter was safe and sound, not lifeless like mine. The other showed Betty. She was very disappointed as to how her boyfriend broke her heart. How lame was that? She should be happy; she didn’t have a baby die in her womb. And another showed Rubi, she was stressing about not going to a good school and having a step dad who wastes her mom’s time and money. Ahhh… another lame one! She too, should be happy; she didn’t have to pass tissues of her baby; she doesn’t have to see blood flowing out of her; correlating it to the death of her child.

All I want now is to stay in my room. Blinds closed. Lights off. Just me. Alone in the dark as I find answers to my questions: Where was HE when I begged for a miracle? Why did HE abandon me? How could HE toy with my feelings? Why give me a child, only to take it right back?

GOD, didn’t you hear me when I called? I was there at rm#10 at the ER 3 days ago. Not just praying. But, BEGGING. “please give me a miracle. Give me a miracle. Please give me a miracle. Please please please give me a miracle,” I cried out loud over and over again as I await for the results to come back. Yet, you let it happen. You just watched as the Dr. told me that I lost my baby.

No. I do not understand. Everybody is saying God has a plan.

Jeremiah 29:11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Really? Which part of the miscarriage made me prosper? Prosper: Definition: To be successful; to succeed; to be fortunate or prosperous; to thrive; to make gain.

Did you plan to give me a successful miscarriage? Sure, my uterus is not harmed. The doctor says I’m still physically healthy despite what happened. But, my heart. My heart has been harmed to the point that it no longer wants to beat. And No; this does not give me hope. This does not leave me with a future.

This experience left me with nothing. I don’t see a lesson. It doesn’t make me stronger. I will never be able to look back and laugh at this. Rather, this only tears me apart. This pulls me down and shreds me into pieces. It’s the kind of battle I could not possibly win.

I hate to question GOD. I’ve always had faith in HIM. But my agony gives the devil the chance to tie my hands, crush my legs and grip my neck. I can not breathe. I can not fight. I can’t even open my eyes. But I can hear the Devil laughing in my ears. Telling me not to believe in GOD.

Between all this, I remember a pastor once said, “GOD has good plans for you. And Sin, sets you apart from that plan.”

(John 3:36) 36 One who believes in the Son has eternal life, but one who disobeys the Son won’t see life, but the wrath of God remains on him.”

In all honestly, I feel that this is the wrath of God. Is this the consequence of my sins? Does that mean, I am the cause of the death of my baby? Did I, R****lyn C********-C**** kill my baby? I killed my reason to live…

God, once again I beg. Please open up your arms. Allow me to put my head on your chest as I weep for the lost my child. Let me hear the beat of your heart. Remind me of your unconditional love. Please hug me tight. I need it now. More than ever. Please, free me from the captivity of the devil.

(James 5:15-16) 15 and the prayer of faith will heal him who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. If he has committed sins, he will be forgiven

Forgive me for questioning you. I could not win this battle alone. Please give me the strength to go through this grief. I come to you with humility, trust and love; please help me understand and accept this miscarriage. And thank you, for keeping my body capable to conceive again. Once again, I pray for the miracle of life.

P.S. please tell my baby up there that his/her mommy and daddy miss him/her already. I’ll be good here on earth, so one day, I’ll see her in heaven. And oh, please tell her to look down. Our orange tree in our back yard has fruits. It’s beautiful

Popular Posts