If enviousness could kill,I could have died last Saturday...
I'm suppose to write about the bad stuff in New York. But, for now, I prefer to get this off of my chest.
A note to Mr. & Mrs. prego: Well, I'm blocking you from this blog to avoid possible misunderstanding but is adding this note just in case. I really am very happy for both of you. You deserve such a wonderful blessing. And I'm sorry for being envious...
As soon as I woke up last Saturday, I was immediately reminded of the Baby Shower that we are gonna go to. For some reasons, I felt the need to wait for my hubby to go home before I go to the Baby Shower. Not that I was sad; I actually did not know why. But I just really wanted to wait for him; and so I did.
As soon as we got to Ate M's house, I felt awful. :( I did not see it coming. I did not understand why because I was actually excited for that event a few days before. But as soon as I stepped in, I was shocked to have that familiar feeling: ENVY.
I was envious; Envious of my preggy cousin in law, who I'll call Mrs. Preggo in this blog. I knew that what I was feeling was totally wrong. But how, how can I not be envious when she gets to celebrate for having something that I lost? How can I not be envious when she has a big fat belly, while I, I, I have but an empty womb. She gets to celebrate life, while I had to mourn death.
I know. I know. The world does not revolve around me. This is very selfish of me. But that is why I chose to wear a 'happy' mask that day. As I did not want to rain on their parade, I decided to keep all my sadness in my chest. As I kept it in, I felt my heart like a dam with water to its brim, just about to overflow.
I compose my self. I smile a fake smile.
My husband seemed to have seen passed my thick mask. He asked, "ok ka lang mahal?" Then I lied and said, "yes, I'm ok." Then I turned my back to go to the bathroom. And there I sat, starring at it's turquoise-like wall; feeling the soft rag beneath my feet; rocking myself back and forth; pushing tears away from my eyes, on to the dam - deep, deep inside my heart.
It was hard to keep it in, but I had to. I can't even cry on husband's arms because it will just open a can of worms. And most importantly, it was the day for Mrs. Preggo to celebrate and be happy! It was a happy event, and so be it.
But thank GOD for being there for me... that day wasn't so bad when it ended... in fact, twas good!
Psalm 46
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."
