Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Do you know what bangungot is?

It's that bad dream where you try to shout a top your lungs but nobody can hear you.

It's that bad dream where you try to run, run so fast, but your legs fail you.

It's that bad dream where you try to move every inch of muscle in your body, but you just can't.

It's that bad dream where you fight with all your might, yet, you just fail.

But the question really is, have you ever had it while you were wide awake?

Have you tried to scream and nobody seem to hear you?

Have you tried to run and even your legs seemed to have abandoned you?

Have you tried to move on, but you just, just can not??

Have you tried to fight, yet you never really had the chance to win?

Have you?

Thursday, April 15, 2010

If enviousness could kill...

If enviousness could kill,

I could have died last Saturday...

I'm suppose to write about the bad stuff in New York. But, for now, I prefer to get this off of my chest.

A note to Mr. & Mrs. prego: Well, I'm blocking you from this blog to avoid possible misunderstanding but is adding this note just in case. I really am very happy for both of you. You deserve such a wonderful blessing. And I'm sorry for being envious...

As soon as I woke up last Saturday, I was immediately reminded of the Baby Shower that we are gonna go to. For some reasons, I felt the need to wait for my hubby to go home before I go to the Baby Shower. Not that I was sad; I actually did not know why. But I just really wanted to wait for him; and so I did.

As soon as we got to Ate M's house, I felt awful. :( I did not see it coming. I did not understand why because I was actually excited for that event a few days before. But as soon as I stepped in, I was shocked to have that familiar feeling: ENVY.

I was envious; Envious of my preggy cousin in law, who I'll call Mrs. Preggo in this blog. I knew that what I was feeling was totally wrong. But how, how can I not be envious when she gets to celebrate for having something that I lost? How can I not be envious when she has a big fat belly, while I, I, I have but an empty womb. She gets to celebrate life, while I had to mourn death.

I know. I know. The world does not revolve around me. This is very selfish of me. But that is why I chose to wear a 'happy' mask that day. As I did not want to rain on their parade, I decided to keep all my sadness in my chest. As I kept it in, I felt my heart like a dam with water to its brim, just about to overflow.

I compose my self. I smile a fake smile.

My husband seemed to have seen passed my thick mask. He asked, "ok ka lang mahal?" Then I lied and said, "yes, I'm ok." Then I turned my back to go to the bathroom. And there I sat, starring at it's turquoise-like wall; feeling the soft rag beneath my feet; rocking myself back and forth; pushing tears away from my eyes, on to the dam - deep, deep inside my heart.

It was hard to keep it in, but I had to. I can't even cry on husband's arms because it will just open a can of worms. And most importantly, it was the day for Mrs. Preggo to celebrate and be happy! It was a happy event, and so be it.

But thank GOD for being there for me... that day wasn't so bad when it ended... in fact, twas good!

Psalm 46
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Sweet New York

As a way to help me move on, I thought that since we do not have the luxury of time to go to Japan or China, we are just gonna go to new york for the week end. This way, we get to see how beautiful life really is and more so, I'll be having less time remembering the sad thoughts of what we've been through.

Yes, I just want to move on and get over it. I want to think that all that happened is just a bad dream. I want those thoughts off my head. I want it off NOW.

It was a Thursday when I decided I want to leave the state. By the time my hubby got home, i already have my bag packed. He thought it was some kind of April Fool's joke. But no, I'm not kidding anyone. I want to leave the house. Well, not for long and not alone of course.

Friday afternoon, I left early from work and went straight home just to get our bags and share the ride with my hubby.

American Airlines 1st class is super awesome! It's the most relaxing plane ride I've ever been to. The moment I sat on my seat on the plane, i felt a big relief in my heart. Ahh, i deserve a break! The whole ride was all so smooth! and the fancy fine dining experience while up up up in the air... spectacular! Not to mention, in a press of a button the chair gives me a back massage. ooohhh. so good. and just when I am ready to sleep, i can press another button to let the chair turn into a bed. ahhhh, isn't that phenomenal?. But who can sleep when you are provided with a personal entertainment system with a sound omitting bose headset! I wanted to stay awake and enjoy every piece around me. Ahh, praise GOD for this wonderful vacation.

But oh, I just realized I am wearing 3-4 inches stilettos and left my boots at home. Darn. Now, how will I get to go around new york in this uncomfortable shoes?!

We took a cab on Saturday morning to go to the Jamaica station. Before we hop in the subway, we decided to walk around to look for a convenience store so we can buy a pair of shoes. Despite the place being so eerie, we walked in and out of stores and left with one choice... a pair of super duper yellow shoes. sheeesshhh. I look like big bird or spongebob. But don't tell bigbird and spongebob cuz they'll surely be offended.

For once in my life, I just didn't care how i look. All I want is to have fun. We went to empire state, Madison square garden, Rockefeller center, central park, times square! All in one whole day! And oh, for lunch, we bought hotdog in a bun. It kindda felt weird buying food off a cart in New York. I wondered, "are those clean?." Perhaps it was! But regardless, it was all so yummy.

For dinner, we bought what New York is known for: PIZZA!! In all honesty, it was the best pizza ever! The cheese was soo sooooo good! Ahh... as I type this i crave for it!

To those who have been in NY, you know that NY has it's own flaws. But guess what, the flaw is so badly flawed and deserves a different blog entry!! You oughta read my next blog and be warned before flying there... gggrrrrrr

Don't get me wrong though! Because New York, even with all it's flaws, is such a wonderful place to visit. Will I ever come back? With out a doubt, OF COURSE I WILL! I love new york!

Friday, April 2, 2010


Ok. So I've written a lot about what I was going through lately.

My mom flew all the way from the Philippines to help me go through the pain. Well, she never had a miscarriage and she could conceive by just winking her eye. But you see, she's my mom. She may not know the experience first hand, but she undoubtedly is connected to me. All the happiness in my life transcends from my heart to hers; and so are the stab of excruciating pain as it quivers its way down my spine.

At one point she told me not to loose faith. She wants to make sure that I won't be like others who backslid.

That is, however, something that is far from happening to me. I may have questioned HIM but never did I loose hope. In fact, the experience made me realize how much room I have for growth in faith. This experience made it clearer to me that I need HIS help to have a stronger faith; And that HE really has plans that I could not foretell.

This reminds me of our 'failed vacation plan.' A week ago I felt the need to go out the country. Not in the Philippines but somewhere that I've never been before. Perhaps, I need to unwind to help myself be back on track. Immediately, I looked for visa requirements to go to Japan. I emailed my always reliable friend Ivy, who was of course very happy to help. I was so ecstatic and I can just imagine myself having fun and going back to the states with a fresh start. Then came Monday, bad news. With our very frantic schedule and jobs, it is just NOT doable. We just can NOT. To my surprise, I wasn't very disappointed. Honest-to-goodness, the first thing that came to my mind was "GOD must have better plans for me!!." Admittedly, I am not the kind of person who normally thinks like that. The typical R****lyn would be very disheartened.

And so I wonder, "what could be a better plan than a trip to Japan?". Ahhh, perhaps GOD is in the works of sending me the Miracle of Life. SOON.

But on second thoughts, I could also be over-reacting, or rather, over-faith-ing. I feel like so enthusiastic to have the gift of life that I over-analyze it.

I just IMAGINE my self accidentally dropping the remote control and asking, "Why?? Why did this happen?? Why did I accidentally drop the remote control?? What is God's plan?? Is HE going to send a new LED 50 inch TV so our soon to be baby can watch spongebob on the big screen?".

I laugh at myself.

Oh men, maybe I'm just expecting too much. Why can't i just pray, "I surrender my life to YOU. May YOUR plans happen, with or with out a baby in the near future. Whatever YOUR will is, I will be shouting for joy."

Instead, I can't help but pray for the miracle of life. I pray that I will soon bear a child. I pray for a healthy pregnancy. And again, if this is not in YOUR plan in the near future, I pray for strength, that I could get by.

In steadfast, I believe, there is a reason as to why the Trip to Japan can't push through. And yes, it may not be because the baby is coming that soon, but whatever the reason is, I look forward to it; For HIS plans are always by far better than mine. Ah! HE’s awesome!

For now, I keep my contraceptive pills in my purse; and will once again, take one tonight. **sigh**

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