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Friday, April 2, 2010

over-FAITH-ing

Ok. So I've written a lot about what I was going through lately.

My mom flew all the way from the Philippines to help me go through the pain. Well, she never had a miscarriage and she could conceive by just winking her eye. But you see, she's my mom. She may not know the experience first hand, but she undoubtedly is connected to me. All the happiness in my life transcends from my heart to hers; and so are the stab of excruciating pain as it quivers its way down my spine.

At one point she told me not to loose faith. She wants to make sure that I won't be like others who backslid.

That is, however, something that is far from happening to me. I may have questioned HIM but never did I loose hope. In fact, the experience made me realize how much room I have for growth in faith. This experience made it clearer to me that I need HIS help to have a stronger faith; And that HE really has plans that I could not foretell.

This reminds me of our 'failed vacation plan.' A week ago I felt the need to go out the country. Not in the Philippines but somewhere that I've never been before. Perhaps, I need to unwind to help myself be back on track. Immediately, I looked for visa requirements to go to Japan. I emailed my always reliable friend Ivy, who was of course very happy to help. I was so ecstatic and I can just imagine myself having fun and going back to the states with a fresh start. Then came Monday, bad news. With our very frantic schedule and jobs, it is just NOT doable. We just can NOT. To my surprise, I wasn't very disappointed. Honest-to-goodness, the first thing that came to my mind was "GOD must have better plans for me!!." Admittedly, I am not the kind of person who normally thinks like that. The typical R****lyn would be very disheartened.

And so I wonder, "what could be a better plan than a trip to Japan?". Ahhh, perhaps GOD is in the works of sending me the Miracle of Life. SOON.

But on second thoughts, I could also be over-reacting, or rather, over-faith-ing. I feel like so enthusiastic to have the gift of life that I over-analyze it.

I just IMAGINE my self accidentally dropping the remote control and asking, "Why?? Why did this happen?? Why did I accidentally drop the remote control?? What is God's plan?? Is HE going to send a new LED 50 inch TV so our soon to be baby can watch spongebob on the big screen?".

I laugh at myself.

Oh men, maybe I'm just expecting too much. Why can't i just pray, "I surrender my life to YOU. May YOUR plans happen, with or with out a baby in the near future. Whatever YOUR will is, I will be shouting for joy."

Instead, I can't help but pray for the miracle of life. I pray that I will soon bear a child. I pray for a healthy pregnancy. And again, if this is not in YOUR plan in the near future, I pray for strength, that I could get by.

In steadfast, I believe, there is a reason as to why the Trip to Japan can't push through. And yes, it may not be because the baby is coming that soon, but whatever the reason is, I look forward to it; For HIS plans are always by far better than mine. Ah! HE’s awesome!

For now, I keep my contraceptive pills in my purse; and will once again, take one tonight. **sigh**


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