Unimaginable

A lot of people may not understand what it’s like to loose a child. They do not know why one has to mourn hours after hours, days after days. Especially, when their child has not even been born. Some, don't even believe, that those were not just cells, but Life.

Psalm 139:16
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

They do not understand why one could just not ‘move on.’ Some might think these mothers are just being too hard on themselves; they should help themselves; they don’t have faith; they should not allow the bitterness to swallow them whole. One will really never understand what it’s like until they loose one of their own; because there is nothing like it. Nothing.

It’s unimaginable.

I remember my grandmother Mama Sita said when my Tita Malou died, “outliving your child is the worst thing that could happen to a mother.” At that moment, I thought I could feel her pain. And I prayed that that will never happen to me. I prayed that she will have the strength to endure it.

After almost 7 years, my time has come. It is indeed, my turn to feel the pain. Mine is most likely less painful; But the fact is the same: I too, loss a child. And it is not easy.

I want to be strong for the people around me. But how?

I am dying inside.

I barely have the strength to get a day by…

“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.” Psalm 6:2-4,6-9

Feb 26

For days, i grieved and cried myself to sleep. Somehow, I managed to feel better; though just a tiny bit, but ... Better.

It was a friday and I had to go to work. I woke up early and dragged myself off the bed. I told myself, "today, I'll be stronger." Still devastated, but... Stronger.

Sure enough, i was able to put all my attention to work. Back straight. Feet flat on the floor. Eyes on the monitor. I had always been able to work under pressure, and this, I too could handle. Though iv'e been leaving my office door closed ever since i got back to work, i knew this could/would/should be the last day that i keep it shut. I was getting stronger. I suppose.

Then the clock ticked to 4:30pm. Done with my 8 hours of pretense. An oscar award winning best actress, for acting like as if I'm Ok. I could surely fool the people around me; But i could never fool myself. My heart knew what it feels; And it wasn't like what it showed.

And it's then, i felt the rush of my blood. I felt the need to immediately leave the office. I rushed out of the building. As soon as my foot stepped out, my lower lip begun to tremble. Tears started to fall. I just couldn't make it stop.

I arrived home. In my husband's arm, once again... I broke down.

Today...

Today I deleted all the drafts I made in regards to how Happy i was when i knew I was pregnant; How God answered my prayers; How i said he blessed me as soon as I said 'I surrender my life to you;"

I deleted the draft narrating how I reacted with the EPT's. How many EPT's I used.

I deleted the drafts.

In a click of a mouse I deleted these drafts in Facebook.

In a click of a mouse I deleted these drafts in my Hard drive.

If only I can do the same in my heart and mind... I too will delete the sorrow burried in these.

My Miscarriage & Grief

In this time of grief, I could not help but question, how cruel could HE be? Is this part of HIS plan? Does HE find pleasure seeing me miserable? Does HE take on my life like a teleserye?

I watched all teleseryes last night. And none of them moved me. Aahh, gwen and her brother were kidnapped and her mom was devastated. And I say… her mom was lucky. Her daughter was safe and sound, not lifeless like mine. The other showed Betty. She was very disappointed as to how her boyfriend broke her heart. How lame was that? She should be happy; she didn’t have a baby die in her womb. And another showed Rubi, she was stressing about not going to a good school and having a step dad who wastes her mom’s time and money. Ahhh… another lame one! She too, should be happy; she didn’t have to pass tissues of her baby; she doesn’t have to see blood flowing out of her; correlating it to the death of her child.

All I want now is to stay in my room. Blinds closed. Lights off. Just me. Alone in the dark as I find answers to my questions: Where was HE when I begged for a miracle? Why did HE abandon me? How could HE toy with my feelings? Why give me a child, only to take it right back?

GOD, didn’t you hear me when I called? I was there at rm#10 at the ER 3 days ago. Not just praying. But, BEGGING. “please give me a miracle. Give me a miracle. Please give me a miracle. Please please please give me a miracle,” I cried out loud over and over again as I await for the results to come back. Yet, you let it happen. You just watched as the Dr. told me that I lost my baby.

No. I do not understand. Everybody is saying God has a plan.

Jeremiah 29:11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Really? Which part of the miscarriage made me prosper? Prosper: Definition: To be successful; to succeed; to be fortunate or prosperous; to thrive; to make gain.

Did you plan to give me a successful miscarriage? Sure, my uterus is not harmed. The doctor says I’m still physically healthy despite what happened. But, my heart. My heart has been harmed to the point that it no longer wants to beat. And No; this does not give me hope. This does not leave me with a future.

This experience left me with nothing. I don’t see a lesson. It doesn’t make me stronger. I will never be able to look back and laugh at this. Rather, this only tears me apart. This pulls me down and shreds me into pieces. It’s the kind of battle I could not possibly win.

I hate to question GOD. I’ve always had faith in HIM. But my agony gives the devil the chance to tie my hands, crush my legs and grip my neck. I can not breathe. I can not fight. I can’t even open my eyes. But I can hear the Devil laughing in my ears. Telling me not to believe in GOD.

Between all this, I remember a pastor once said, “GOD has good plans for you. And Sin, sets you apart from that plan.”

(John 3:36) 36 One who believes in the Son has eternal life, but one who disobeys the Son won’t see life, but the wrath of God remains on him.”

In all honestly, I feel that this is the wrath of God. Is this the consequence of my sins? Does that mean, I am the cause of the death of my baby? Did I, R****lyn C********-C**** kill my baby? I killed my reason to live…

God, once again I beg. Please open up your arms. Allow me to put my head on your chest as I weep for the lost my child. Let me hear the beat of your heart. Remind me of your unconditional love. Please hug me tight. I need it now. More than ever. Please, free me from the captivity of the devil.

(James 5:15-16) 15 and the prayer of faith will heal him who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. If he has committed sins, he will be forgiven

Forgive me for questioning you. I could not win this battle alone. Please give me the strength to go through this grief. I come to you with humility, trust and love; please help me understand and accept this miscarriage. And thank you, for keeping my body capable to conceive again. Once again, I pray for the miracle of life.

P.S. please tell my baby up there that his/her mommy and daddy miss him/her already. I’ll be good here on earth, so one day, I’ll see her in heaven. And oh, please tell her to look down. Our orange tree in our back yard has fruits. It’s beautiful