Wednesday, February 24, 2010

My Miscarriage & Grief

In this time of grief, I could not help but question, how cruel could HE be? Is this part of HIS plan? Does HE find pleasure seeing me miserable? Does HE take on my life like a teleserye?

I watched all teleseryes last night. And none of them moved me. Aahh, gwen and her brother were kidnapped and her mom was devastated. And I say… her mom was lucky. Her daughter was safe and sound, not lifeless like mine. The other showed Betty. She was very disappointed as to how her boyfriend broke her heart. How lame was that? She should be happy; she didn’t have a baby die in her womb. And another showed Rubi, she was stressing about not going to a good school and having a step dad who wastes her mom’s time and money. Ahhh… another lame one! She too, should be happy; she didn’t have to pass tissues of her baby; she doesn’t have to see blood flowing out of her; correlating it to the death of her child.

All I want now is to stay in my room. Blinds closed. Lights off. Just me. Alone in the dark as I find answers to my questions: Where was HE when I begged for a miracle? Why did HE abandon me? How could HE toy with my feelings? Why give me a child, only to take it right back?

GOD, didn’t you hear me when I called? I was there at rm#10 at the ER 3 days ago. Not just praying. But, BEGGING. “please give me a miracle. Give me a miracle. Please give me a miracle. Please please please give me a miracle,” I cried out loud over and over again as I await for the results to come back. Yet, you let it happen. You just watched as the Dr. told me that I lost my baby.

No. I do not understand. Everybody is saying God has a plan.

Jeremiah 29:11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Really? Which part of the miscarriage made me prosper? Prosper: Definition: To be successful; to succeed; to be fortunate or prosperous; to thrive; to make gain.

Did you plan to give me a successful miscarriage? Sure, my uterus is not harmed. The doctor says I’m still physically healthy despite what happened. But, my heart. My heart has been harmed to the point that it no longer wants to beat. And No; this does not give me hope. This does not leave me with a future.

This experience left me with nothing. I don’t see a lesson. It doesn’t make me stronger. I will never be able to look back and laugh at this. Rather, this only tears me apart. This pulls me down and shreds me into pieces. It’s the kind of battle I could not possibly win.

I hate to question GOD. I’ve always had faith in HIM. But my agony gives the devil the chance to tie my hands, crush my legs and grip my neck. I can not breathe. I can not fight. I can’t even open my eyes. But I can hear the Devil laughing in my ears. Telling me not to believe in GOD.

Between all this, I remember a pastor once said, “GOD has good plans for you. And Sin, sets you apart from that plan.”

(John 3:36) 36 One who believes in the Son has eternal life, but one who disobeys the Son won’t see life, but the wrath of God remains on him.”

In all honestly, I feel that this is the wrath of God. Is this the consequence of my sins? Does that mean, I am the cause of the death of my baby? Did I, R****lyn C********-C**** kill my baby? I killed my reason to live…

God, once again I beg. Please open up your arms. Allow me to put my head on your chest as I weep for the lost my child. Let me hear the beat of your heart. Remind me of your unconditional love. Please hug me tight. I need it now. More than ever. Please, free me from the captivity of the devil.

(James 5:15-16) 15 and the prayer of faith will heal him who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. If he has committed sins, he will be forgiven

Forgive me for questioning you. I could not win this battle alone. Please give me the strength to go through this grief. I come to you with humility, trust and love; please help me understand and accept this miscarriage. And thank you, for keeping my body capable to conceive again. Once again, I pray for the miracle of life.

P.S. please tell my baby up there that his/her mommy and daddy miss him/her already. I’ll be good here on earth, so one day, I’ll see her in heaven. And oh, please tell her to look down. Our orange tree in our back yard has fruits. It’s beautiful


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