Monday, March 29, 2010

Pitik

I just had some blood work done 2 days ago. They got 7 tubes of blood! T’was crazy!

I sat as the phlebotomist tied the band around my arms and made 'pitik' the opposite side of my elbow. Pitik 1. Pitik 2. Pitik 3. Then she poked me with a needle. I was relieved thinking that that should be it. As you know, there is only a twinge when the needle penetrates the skin. But alas! She didn't get to my vein. She had to pull it out and try again. She then took off the band and tied it on my left arm instead. Pitik 1. Pitik 2. Pitik 3. Then once again, she poked me with the needle. And for one more time, she missed the vein! This time, she did not immediately take it out. Instead, she kept on moving the needle under my skin: left, right, left, right, left, right! Not once, not twice, but lots and lots of times! she was moving it under my skin like a dog wags it's tail! Darn. It hurt. :( She only took it out when I moaned in pain. Finally, a male phlebotomist took over and took my blood in a sniff.

On a different note, i got a haircut yesterday. :) I got my bangs back! I'm happy that everybody at work loves it! and most importantly, my hubby adores it. I saw that familiar grin lit up across his face as soon as he saw me with my new hair style! ;)

To anyone out there, what is the English of pitik??? More specific than "flick". What is the exact translation?


Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Power Of Farting

For the past couple of weeks, I had been wearing a mask as I dealt with carrying my own cross. Somehow, I knew I had used my "alloted" recovery time. Much like a game of mario, the "time was up." It was time to move on, regardless of whether I was ready or not.

Four days ago was exactly one month since I had the worst-EST day of my life. I dreaded that day because that was also the day that my period was due. You see, after passing tissues of my baby, blood is no longer the flow of my life. It no longer is what keeps me alive. Instead, to me, blood is synonymous to death. A death to the life of my unborn child; a death to my dream of motherhood.

I have been telling myself to be ready for this day. To be strong as I see a facade of hideous congnizance. In the midst of preparing myself for the day to come, luck must have really just gone out of my way; For my period came 5 days earlier than expected. I wasn't ready. I didn't see it comming and my shield was all the way down.

With it came a massive amount of ill memories that I have locked in a box and thrown away in a big deep wide ocean. This box found its way back to my hands. It was very heavy and I could barely keep my balance. Simultaneously, it felt like I was standing in the middle of this ocean; and tsunami-cal waves were comming my way. My vision started to blur as tears fill my eyes.

Only one question remained running in my head:

"May I, May I please cry for one last time? May I?"

I answered myself: NO. So I closed my eyes really tight. I supposed, I need to hold this in. I moved to my side, lying in a fetal position and put our blanket atop my head to force myself to sleep.

Then I heard a I high pitched sound... "Pooooot". ARGGH! my sleeping hubby farted! Not to mention, he ate lots of prunes. So I pulled my self out the darkness underneath the blanket, away from the rotten-egg-like smell in the air. And I once again looked at the room that I was in; A room that have seemed to have lost its colors; left only with just hues of gray.

I lied there tormented: May I cry?

NO.

I remained in the verge of tears.

But looking back, i now just want to hit my edward on the head!

NOTE: this is a true story of my life. believe it or not. grrrrr


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Ang Pagbabalik ni Edward at ang Usapang Panty

Perhaps most of you know my hubby, Edward R C.

He is one fine man. He is not like the adorable hotties in our filipino movies who loves unconditionally and would beg for love in case she changes her mind on him. Far from Gerald Anderson who waits for Kim Chiu for years till she comes back from abroad; Not like Gabby Conception who takes back Angelica Panganiban even after an affair with Derek Ramsey in "I love you, good bye."

He is more like just a guy. He HAD his own share of some flings. Ok lotsa them. And yes, could be just like the guy you are with now, who also HAD dated/fooled more than 1 woman. (note the word HAD: past tense, as in before I came to the picture! as far as i know of course!)

Somehow, as he aged, he matured. He is a way better man than he was before. And the best part is, despite being 'mature', he is young at heart and really makes me laugh. Unfortunately, 99.9% of his jokes are green. So green like that of a grass! I have loved that part of him even though he has some, or quite a lot, (or lotsa lots) of jokes that are off. And yes, these jokes are utterly annoying at times (or a lot of times). Especially when I am unhappy or stressed and he suddenly blurts out a green joke! Not just that, he thinks of something green over almost anything and everything. Like when i say i want hotdog and eggs for breakfast, he shows a grin, and I know what he's thinking! argghh

But for once in 6 years that we've been together, he was speachless too when we were going through that hardest part of our lives. He knew that I needed time to heal the pain. He did not throw any unsolicited advice as to moving on and getting over my miscarriage. He was just there; putting my hair away from my face, geting some clothes for me to change up as I was so depressed to do so, bringing food to our bedroom just so I would eat.

During those days, i felt so weary for this unexplicable event in out life. Moreso, I was devastated with the fact that it had put stress into our relationship as husband and wife. During those days, my hubby remained a serious, non-joking man. While I, I somehow forgot what it's like to smile; I just moaned and groaned all day long.

Days passed and I felt a little better. At that time, I wasn't sure if he feels better also. I assumed he was sad deep inside his heart because I still had not heard anything 'green' from him.

Then, I went to Victoria Secret to buy make up.

When we got home, he looked somehow excited.

dward: mahal?
me: yes?
dward: nakabili ka ng panty?
me: panty????
dward: diba pumunta ka ng victoria secret?? namili ka ng panty?? (with a grin on his face and sorta winks his eye)

And that's how I found out he's moved on... My Edward is back!


Friday, March 12, 2010

Divine Intervention

It was the first Sunday since my miscarriage; the first time that I opened myself up to the world again and saw some of my closest friends;

Just like any other Sundays, I had planned to go to Church that day; Despite knowing that I wasn't ready; despite knowing that I would just be torn when I see pregnant ladies around me; despite knowing that I would go back to square one IF I see a baby. Albeit all that, I faced this insane world, for the bible says that that day should be spent glorifying GOD.

Then, hell seemed to have broken loose.

As my husband and I sat at the end of the row, right before the aisle, a couple walked by and took a sit right in front of us. Oh, not a couple; A family. The dad dragged the stroller with his right hand, and held their baby with his left. Then there was the Mom; with a bump; A baby bump.

As expected, I wept.

While the pastor was giving the sermon, I was trying to pull myself together. And just when I was able to feel strong again, the sermon was over. Out of the blue, the pastor called a couple! When I looked back, there they were; Walking towards the front; carrying a Baby! It was time for a dedication (Christian version of christening/baptism).

All I could do was burry my face on my husbands arm as everybody was saying "ohhh", "ahh", "cuteeeee" every second of the minute! It felt like they are saying it right beside my ear. Like I was being teased such as that of a poor kid. It was so hard to bear and all I wanted to do was walk out. But I couldn't. I knew I should not. So all I did was sob and wallow in anguish. I was angry and envious.

I asked, "God, why? why do you have to push me away? I come to you begging for mercy but you, YOU choose to push me away instead. I was starting to move on yesterday, but now, YOU made me stumble and fall once again." I could not understand why HE wreaks havoc in my life.

All I wanted to do was get out of the church; Quick. But my friend spoke to the pastor and asked him for a time with me. Before I could do or say anything, he was right in front of me, with his hand reaching out. I wanted to do nothing but turn my back. I knew he doesn't have the answers to my questions. I didn't need another person to tell me to get over it and move on. He didn't understand, and he never will. But in respect, my husband and I spoke with him privately.

I asked our pastor, “bakit kami?”

As soon as those words came out, he looked away from me on to the floor. Then he looked back and said “why you? Why does this have to happen to the both of you?? If this happened to my wife and I, I would probably be asking the same question.” Then he went on about God’s so-called perfect plan and that our baby is in heaven.

But I already knew all that. I always go to church, remember?!

Then he asked, “Do you know Job? Have you read the book of Job?”

I realized that even after 17 years in the catholic school, I still do not remember a lot of books in the bible. So we said no.

He opened his bible and started reading some verses; hoping from one verse to another. Each verse that he read are the EXACT same questions that I asked God; Questions I blogged here in facebook; Questions that only my husband have heard; Accusations I made to God; All are in 1 book in the bible. And the pastor was reading it out to me, in spite of not knowing that those were the exact same questions that I have asked. I had to lean forward and look at the bible as he read it to me to make sure that he was not making it up.

It amazed me that he read those because he is not in my fb! And a lot of those questions are too obnoxious to actually post on facebook, and so only my husband knew about it.

Did GOD actually try to answer me through the bible? By having the pastor read to me the questions I asked, which he did not even know about, THEN letting me know what happened in the end?? Or was all that a mere coincidence?

In the end if the book of Job, HE blessed the later part of his life MORE than the first; HE multiplied the properties he owned and gave the same number of children as he has lost.

The nonbelievers will probably find humor in this, but I do, I DO believe that GOD had a divine intervention as HE brought me to that book of the bible in order for me to feel HIM; to let me know that HE heard my cry; To let me know of HIS perfect plans for me that lies ahead. And perhaps, he did not push me away while I was glorifying HIM, instead, as my mom said, HE helped me conquer my fears. HE let me see pregnant women and babies around me while I was at the church, so when I stepped out, I had conquered it all. There is nothing to fear.

I am a firm believer. I believe that there could be more bumps ahead, but I’ll get through it and GOD will be showering me with HIS blessings. HE indeed has a perfect plan.

GOD, in faith I stand strong. Thank you for helping me in this time of grief. Once again, I pray for the miracle of life. I pray for a healthy pregnancy in the future. I pray for a healthy baby. Also, please, please bless me so I would have the strength to endure the pain IF a healthy pregnancy is not in your plan for the near future.


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Feb 27 - An End and a Beginning

The first thing I saw on this day was the news on Chile. the 8.8 Earthquake practically tore the homes down. I really did feel bad for them. I feel so sorry.

In the midst of it all, i somehow realized how Blessed my Life was and is. It was an awakening. But still, the burden in my heart was too heavy to carry.

I then spent the whole day lying on my bed, in my room.

As i've spent all 7 consecutive days in my room. (Three of which i spent 8 hours in my office with Door closed; Immediately going straight home after work, back in my room -- door closed.) i have watched all movies in HBO... I've watched all comedy movies and sitcoms, and none of them made me laugh.

I was left with out a choice. Only 1 movie to watch. I hestitated.

It was the move "Baby Mama"

Baby Mama Synopsis (from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0871426/synopsis)
Successful and single businesswoman Kate Holbrook has long put her career ahead of a personal life. Now 37, she's finally determined to have a kid on her own. But her plan is thrown a curve ball after she discovers she has only a million-to-one chance of getting pregnant, due to her "T-shaped uterus." Undaunted, the driven Kate allows South Philly working girl Angie Ostrowiski to become her unlikely surrogate. Simple enough ... After learning from the steely head of their surrogacy center that Angie is pregnant, Kate goes into precision nesting mode: reading childcare books, baby-proofing the apartment and researching top pre-schools. But the executive's well-organized strategy is turned upside down when her Baby Mama shows up at her doorstep with no place to live. An unstoppable force meets an immovable object as structured Kate tries to turn vibrant Angie into the perfect expectant mom. However, Angie's husband shows up while Kate is not there and thrreatens with the truth: the baby is from his sperm, not from one of Kate's eggs. Soon Angie's husband reveals the truth. The two women go to court over the case. Meanwhile, Kate has been seeing a man and sleeping with him, but she has no problem--she has a T-shaped uterus, right? The results of the paternity test reveal in court that the baby is Angie's, not Kate's. Angie and Kate refuse to speak to each other, until Angie's baby arrives. On that day, Kate dicovers that she, too, is pregnant. Angie and Kate have two happy lives after that, and Kate's child is always nine months younger than Angie's

In this movie, I laugh for the first time! I laugh with out trying. I do not understand how it happened. But at one point during the day, my heart just felt lighter. And now when i think about it, the movie wasn't even that funny. And how can that be funny for me, when i just Loss a child. But somehow; for some unexplained reason; My heart felt so light; I was "nabunutan ng tinik" in an unexplainable manner.

Well, i must admit. I still think about the baby that i loss. I think about it every minute of the hour; every hour of every day. I still do cry.

BUT... it just suddenly stopped being 'agonizing.'




On Chile

It was another disheartening day i was to face. As soon as I woke up, of course the 1st thing that came to my mind was the loss that I had, or have! In that same instant, I saw the news on TV. I saw people with bigger problems than mine; more reasons to grieve than i do; more lives lost; more mothers left childless/childRENless.

This day, I grieve with them. I feel so sorry for their loss.

Let us all include the victims in our prayers.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6


I'll Be There

I'll Be There
by Claudette T. Allen


Daddy, please don’t look so sad,
Mama please don’t cry~
“Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.”

Please, try not to question God,
Don’t think he is unkind
Don’t think He sent me to you,
and then He changed his mind.

You see, I am a special child,
and I’m needed up above
I’m the special gift you gave Him,
the product of your love.

I’ll always be there with you
just watch the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that’s gleaming,
That’s my halo’s brilliant light.

You’ll see me in the morning frost,
that mists your windowpane.
That’s me in the summer showers,
I’ll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a little breeze,
from a gentle wind that blows
That’s me, I’ll be there,
planting a kiss upon your nose.

When you see a child playing,
and your heart feels a little tug,
That’s me, I’ll be there,
giving your heart a hug.

So Daddy, please don’t look so sad,
Mama don’t you cry.
I’m in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies


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