Just like any other Sundays, I had planned to go to Church that day; Despite knowing that I wasn't ready; despite knowing that I would just be torn when I see pregnant ladies around me; despite knowing that I would go back to square one IF I see a baby. Albeit all that, I faced this insane world, for the bible says that that day should be spent glorifying GOD.
Then, hell seemed to have broken loose.
As my husband and I sat at the end of the row, right before the aisle, a couple walked by and took a sit right in front of us. Oh, not a couple; A family. The dad dragged the stroller with his right hand, and held their baby with his left. Then there was the Mom; with a bump; A baby bump.
As expected, I wept.
While the pastor was giving the sermon, I was trying to pull myself together. And just when I was able to feel strong again, the sermon was over. Out of the blue, the pastor called a couple! When I looked back, there they were; Walking towards the front; carrying a Baby! It was time for a dedication (Christian version of christening/baptism).
All I could do was burry my face on my husbands arm as everybody was saying "ohhh", "ahh", "cuteeeee" every second of the minute! It felt like they are saying it right beside my ear. Like I was being teased such as that of a poor kid. It was so hard to bear and all I wanted to do was walk out. But I couldn't. I knew I should not. So all I did was sob and wallow in anguish. I was angry and envious.
I asked, "God, why? why do you have to push me away? I come to you begging for mercy but you, YOU choose to push me away instead. I was starting to move on yesterday, but now, YOU made me stumble and fall once again." I could not understand why HE wreaks havoc in my life.
All I wanted to do was get out of the church; Quick. But my friend spoke to the pastor and asked him for a time with me. Before I could do or say anything, he was right in front of me, with his hand reaching out. I wanted to do nothing but turn my back. I knew he doesn't have the answers to my questions. I didn't need another person to tell me to get over it and move on. He didn't understand, and he never will. But in respect, my husband and I spoke with him privately.
I asked our pastor, “bakit kami?”
As soon as those words came out, he looked away from me on to the floor. Then he looked back and said “why you? Why does this have to happen to the both of you?? If this happened to my wife and I, I would probably be asking the same question.” Then he went on about God’s so-called perfect plan and that our baby is in heaven.
But I already knew all that. I always go to church, remember?!
Then he asked, “Do you know Job? Have you read the book of Job?”
I realized that even after 17 years in the catholic school, I still do not remember a lot of books in the bible. So we said no.
He opened his bible and started reading some verses; hoping from one verse to another. Each verse that he read are the EXACT same questions that I asked God; Questions I blogged here in facebook; Questions that only my husband have heard; Accusations I made to God; All are in 1 book in the bible. And the pastor was reading it out to me, in spite of not knowing that those were the exact same questions that I have asked. I had to lean forward and look at the bible as he read it to me to make sure that he was not making it up.
It amazed me that he read those because he is not in my fb! And a lot of those questions are too obnoxious to actually post on facebook, and so only my husband knew about it.
Did GOD actually try to answer me through the bible? By having the pastor read to me the questions I asked, which he did not even know about, THEN letting me know what happened in the end?? Or was all that a mere coincidence?
In the end if the book of Job, HE blessed the later part of his life MORE than the first; HE multiplied the properties he owned and gave the same number of children as he has lost.
The nonbelievers will probably find humor in this, but I do, I DO believe that GOD had a divine intervention as HE brought me to that book of the bible in order for me to feel HIM; to let me know that HE heard my cry; To let me know of HIS perfect plans for me that lies ahead. And perhaps, he did not push me away while I was glorifying HIM, instead, as my mom said, HE helped me conquer my fears. HE let me see pregnant women and babies around me while I was at the church, so when I stepped out, I had conquered it all. There is nothing to fear.
I am a firm believer. I believe that there could be more bumps ahead, but I’ll get through it and GOD will be showering me with HIS blessings. HE indeed has a perfect plan.
GOD, in faith I stand strong. Thank you for helping me in this time of grief. Once again, I pray for the miracle of life. I pray for a healthy pregnancy in the future. I pray for a healthy baby. Also, please, please bless me so I would have the strength to endure the pain IF a healthy pregnancy is not in your plan for the near future.
