Four days ago was exactly one month since I had the worst-EST day of my life. I dreaded that day because that was also the day that my period was due. You see, after passing tissues of my baby, blood is no longer the flow of my life. It no longer is what keeps me alive. Instead, to me, blood is synonymous to death. A death to the life of my unborn child; a death to my dream of motherhood.
I have been telling myself to be ready for this day. To be strong as I see a facade of hideous congnizance. In the midst of preparing myself for the day to come, luck must have really just gone out of my way; For my period came 5 days earlier than expected. I wasn't ready. I didn't see it comming and my shield was all the way down.
With it came a massive amount of ill memories that I have locked in a box and thrown away in a big deep wide ocean. This box found its way back to my hands. It was very heavy and I could barely keep my balance. Simultaneously, it felt like I was standing in the middle of this ocean; and tsunami-cal waves were comming my way. My vision started to blur as tears fill my eyes.
Only one question remained running in my head:
"May I, May I please cry for one last time? May I?"
I answered myself: NO. So I closed my eyes really tight. I supposed, I need to hold this in. I moved to my side, lying in a fetal position and put our blanket atop my head to force myself to sleep.
Then I heard a I high pitched sound... "Pooooot". ARGGH! my sleeping hubby farted! Not to mention, he ate lots of prunes. So I pulled my self out the darkness underneath the blanket, away from the rotten-egg-like smell in the air. And I once again looked at the room that I was in; A room that have seemed to have lost its colors; left only with just hues of gray.
I lied there tormented: May I cry?
NO.
I remained in the verge of tears.
But looking back, i now just want to hit my edward on the head!
NOTE: this is a true story of my life. believe it or not. grrrrr
