Monday, June 18, 2012

An I'm Sorry note on Father's day

Once again it's Father's Day.

For 30 years in my life, I've always been eager for Father's Day; excited to greet all the dads I know. Wondering how fun would it be to be a dad. To be the strongest man to someone. To be their ultimate hero. To be someone that their offspring look up to like a perfect human being.

But today, I do not feel the same way.

I dread this day. All because the person I love so much has been dreading this day; counting down like as if the world is coming to an end. Like waiting for a bomb to explode; looking into it like a day that shouldn't happen.

And I'm sorry you feel that way.

I'm sorry Edward.

Those three words are not the words I planned to say to you. But I do not know how to say happy Father's Day to you, or should I even say it at all.

I'm sorry that you don't seem happy or excited for Father's Day. But I do understand. It's your first Father's Day with out a dad after all.

You know that I'm always here for you. I am grieving with you. And you can take your time to grieve, but always remember that with me, you don't have to hold it in; you don't have to pretend;

You don't have to say jokes to make everybody laugh while you are desperately crying inside.

I know you are hurting. And that's OK. I am hurting too.

Even though it's not in the same way as you do, I am hurting too because I see you hurting. And I am hurting because your dad is my loss too.

Your dad is one of the best people I've ever known. And I hope that you know that I'm not saying that just because he passed away.

No my love. My praises to him is not like what anybody does when someone dies: saying good things that they've never said when the person was alive.

I've said this over and over again; even way back when he was alive and perfectly well: Again, your dad is one of the best people I've ever met.

I'm saying that because I've known him. His been a part of my life; of our life. He has always been everybody's papa Ed and a daddy to the both of us.

I've seen him guide you to be the man that you are now; supporting us in every decision that we make; becoming our ally from the very very very beginning of our relationship; teaching you how to be a good husband to me; reminding you to be honest in everything that you do; admitting his mistakes and telling you not to do the same;

Ultimately, you are the wonderful man that you are now because of him. You are his biggest project. And he had a job well done. And for that, I know he died in peace.

It may be very sad that you don't have a father on Father's Day. But my love, we have the reason to celebrate. We ultimately have the reason to be happy. We have kids.

Ray, Brenden, and Collin are the reasons to celebrate it for. All of them makes you a father. A no ordinary one at that.

I remember the day, a few years ago, Ray told me that he likes the way you treat him. He likes the way you trust. Allowing him to grow, and maybe make mistakes of his own. Each time we have a conversation about you, my heart throbs with joy and amazement. Ray has this big respect for you; the kind that you can rarely see in teens these days. He looks up to you like a little boy looks up to his mighty hero. Despite him knowing the mistakes you've made in the past, he loves you like no other. And that my love, makes you one of the best dad's I've ever known.

And with Brenden, the mere look of excitement that he has always had whenever he sees you again; the way he asks "when will I see you again?", with the saddest look on is face; the way he studies doubly hard when you're watching and the way he waits for you to say that he did a good job; those are only the few things that tells me that you have been a wonderful father to him and he loves you like no other. And that my love, makes you one of the best dads I've ever known.

How about with Collin? I am amazed by how close he is to you even at the age of 1. While the rest of the one year olds I know wants to be with their mommies, Collin demands for you. The way he throws tantrums the moment you go behind his gate, the way he giggles as you give him butterfly kisses, the way he sneaks away from me to you during 'tidy up time'... Those tell me that he adores you and loves you like no other. And that my love, makes you one of the best dads I've ever known.

Again, I know it's sad to not have a father on Father's Day. But you have more than enough reason to celebrate. You have Ray, Brenden and Collin. And your dad? He lives in you... because you've become the man that he wants you to be. You've become the dad to our children, the same way, if not better, that your dad is to you.

The kids love you and you are the best dad to them. And that calls for a celebration my love...

Which then makes me realize that it should be a happy Father's Day after all.

Happy Father's Day mahal! Ray, Brenden, Collin and I love you very very much!


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