Letter to Collin (at 15 months)

Dear Collin,

You just turned 15 months old today and here comes mommy again writing you a letter even though you can't even identify a single letter of the alphabet just yet. But you see my love, I refuse to let this moment pass with out compiling the beautiful life that we share; these moments that you certainly will forget when you grow up but are most definitely worth remembering. There are just so many beautiful things about the past 3 months that made mommy fall in love with you deeper every single day. And I just want to make sure, that when I'm old and my hair is gray, we can breath in the beauty of the past and reminisce the abundance of our love by reading my letters to you.

Oh sweetheart, You always make mommy happy and proud.

I am elated even by the little things that you do. You've shown me how miracles happen every single day.

When you just turned one, I half heartedly decided to wean you from the breast, thinking it will be the best for us. But how can I say no to you my sweetie pie? How can I resist your request as you propel yourself, landing on my chest, nuzzling on my breast, and looking straight in my eyes, saying "MAM..MAM.." My heart melts. So we lie down, your skin against my skin, my arms wrapped around you and yours wrapped around me. And happily, you suckle.

It amazes me how you seem to know your daily routine; like as if you have a watch on your wrist and you know just exactly what you are suppose to do at that hour. But what melts my heart is what you do when I don't noticed that its time to feed you. While I'm very preoccupied with work inside my room, you would walk away from your nanny and bang the door while you're standing outside my room screaming "MAM! MAM! MAM." like as if to say, "dude I'm hungry!! FEED ME!! NOW!!"

I am awed by your love of the water sprinklers. When we're outside, you tell me to turn it on by pointing to the switch (and throwing tantrums when I don't) then you marvel at the water. Blocking the water with your hand. Squeaking in delight when it splashed to you face. That my bratty boy, makes mommy look forward to comming home from work each day. Oh you've always been the highlight of my day.

Just a couple of weeks ago, You learned the sign language for 'milk' and 'more'. But innitially, you only do it for a show instead of using it when you actually want 'more' or 'milk'. Just like when you show close/open with you hands, the lizard look by sticking your tongue out, cutie pie by squinting your eye while showing the world's cutest smile, and dance by basically shaking your shoulders.

Those are just few of the many many wonderful things that you learned to do in the past three months.

Thanks sweetie, for giving me the kind of happiness that I've never had.

I love you so much Collin. More than words can ever say. And more than any action I can ever do. I love you above, over, and beyond anything in my life.




Love,
Mommy

Collin & Mommy

Collin & the Big Bros

Collin's 1st haircut

The men in my life

Collin's favorite ride

Playing at the Mall

A Chance to Let Love Thrive

The boggling Colorado shootout during the "Batman the dark knight rises" movie premiere took the life of 12 people and injured many.

Who would have thought that an innocent movie night could bring a tragic end to the lives of many? Leaving behind their love ones with nothing but fallen hopes and dreams that will never come true; children loosing their parents and parents loosing their children.

I can only imagine the horror; the panic; the pain of seeing their love one be shot and die right next to them, as they hang on to dear life, with nothing with them but just a glimpse of hope that they can all come out of it alive.

This is just one of the many incidents around us that reminds us the value of the people we love; to take the time to slow down and embrace the beauty of life; to stop and say 'I love you'. To kiss and to hug.

This is the time for us to be reminded just how lucky we are for the mere fact that out love ones are alive; giving us a chance to make things right; to live. To Love And let love thrive.

A Public Apology of Some Sort

A week ago, I posted a blog entry I entitled "Post Divorce Forecast." if you haven't read it yet, might as well read it first, then go back to this... But please allow me to explain myself.

When I was writing, not to mention hysterically, that blog, I wondered whether it is offensive to other people or not. Perhaps because even in my own household, we have the 'no cussing rule.' I kid you not, this rule is not just for the kids but for papa dward and myself also. By cussing I mean, cussing of any shape and form. That includes, but is not limited to the following words: fuck, shit, asshole, bitch, whore, stupid, tanga, gago, putang ina, bwisit, leche.. And the list goes on and on. Those words can NOT be used under any circumstances, even as an expression.

In writing that blog however, I decided to use those words. I used it to make a point... And if my point wasn't really obvious, let me sum up what I meant in that blog entry in the first place...

The message that I was trying to convey in that blog was that when my marriage falls apart, I will be in my wits end and the worst of me will be brought out. I will be angry, devastated, bitter, sad and miserable. Oh I will be anything, anything BUT happy. My family, which obviously includes Edward, is everything to me. Thus, when my marriage falls apart, so will my world. I thought that my point was very clear considering what I wrote in number #10: "Lastly, I will cry myself to sleep every night while nobody is watching. Every. Single. Effing. Night"

I guess this goes to say that my assumption was wrong. My point wasn't clear to a few people.

Even though this is my blog, which may mean I can write whatever I want to, I'd like to give my sincerest apology to those who have been offended. I take responsibility for it, because my blog is not only open to public but I also share the links in my Facebook, thus driving traffic to the site. A traffic which includes diversity of views by many.

And although nobody (not even one) actually complained about the cussing, I decided to apologize about it first because that is the part that I thought could be offensive. But what really got me into writing this 'public apology' is because a huge number of people thought it was disturbing and offensive and hurtful for Edward and it made their stomachs churn.

Ok ok ok there were was just two people and it didn't really make their stomachs churn, I hope! (comm'n people, can't I imagine having thousands of readers from different walks of life with varying views and opinions?!?)

Even though there were just two who I know reacted that way, I'm writing this also for those who didn't say anything but may have thought of that blog as hurtful for Edward. (comm'n, with thousands of readers, I'm sure there's more than two who have different views than mine, right??... What?... I don't have thousands of readers??? Ok fine whatever!)

Again, my sincerest apologies to all of you who were not pleased with that blog entry. I suppose I have to remind myself that as a blogger, I have to be sensitive to my reader's (albeit a few) feelings. I have to remind myself before sharing a link to my Facebook account that there are users in it who would be offended by it. There will be people who will not see it the way I or Edward sees it. That goes to say that next time, I should be aware as who sees the links that I share so as to not offend these people, who themselves have every right to react the way they do and the right to have the view that they have.

But before I end this blog entry, I would like to clarify that Edward was not offended by it at all.

I know. We are weird like that. We are actually that kind of couple who like to talk about everything under the sun! We talk about the good, the bad, the ugly and the dirty (*wink* *wink*) and everything in between.

One might think I'm crazy for putting so much thought for something irrelevant.

But you see, there's really not much thought in it. When I blog, I use my cellphone and I type on and on. It's just a hobby that I do every now and then. When you look into it carefully, you'll see so many typos in it because I don't really spend so much time in it. I just ramble on and on. That's why I don't consider it as "putting so much thought." But even if I had, I meant no offense to anyone. Edward and I and a lot of my readers just happen to find my blog as funny. Perhaps, that's ridiculous. But we are who we are.

One might think that it is irrelevant as we are not going through divorce anyway. However, the relevance of the blog does NOT lie on the words that I wrote. If you read the whole thing, the message of that entry is that I'll be devastated when my marriage falls apart.

I guess one might ponder that I should have said it direct to the point, like that. However, I believe that there are many ways to express oneself. And one of that is through humor. And in our house, humor has always been the popular route. (and unfortunately, my blog's approach is like that also.)

And in writing that blog, I made sure that it is obvious that numbers 1-9 are merely jokes. A full blow product of my sarcasm. I mean, do you actually think I'll start a blog named "www.YouAreAFuckingMoronAndASonOfAbitchEdwardTheStupidBastard.com"??? oh common people!! You know me better than that. I'm a smart person that's why I won't use a long domain name like that. I'll just name it something shorter like "www.YouAreAFuckingMoronAndASonOfAbitchEdwardTheStupidGUY.com" Smart, eh???

Ok calm down I'm just joking again ;)

Sorry it's really difficult to stay serious. But let me try again.

I really didn't realize that any of you will think that my spouse will be offended by it. Because if you look at my blog entries closely, I have been very vocal and proud of papa dward. As you can see in "Happy Fathers Day to My Edward", "How to Spot a Douche bag", "An I'm Sorry Note for Father's Day", and "I loose", I have always been proud and even boastful of having him. Even in my blog "A Rant on Edward", I humorously ranted on Edwards behavior but in the end I emphasized that he does anything for me like "vacuum the carpet, cook dinner, Roll on the floor, get the ball with his mouth, jump off a cliff." Given all those, I actually think that my blog is turning into an "Edward's shrine" as it describes what a wonderful person he is. I must admit that there are rants on it about him, but it always ends with how good of a person he is. That is because this blog is an honest look on marriage and parenting... Not some blog saying life is perfect. It's a blog that says there is beauty in a marriage despite its imperfections. Maybe, it may seem like I'm airing out dirty laundry. But if this is what you call 'dirty laundry,' then I guess I'll have to say I'm having fun with this 'dirtiness'. Yeah, it's dirty ;)

I'm sorry you felt that the blog is irrelevant and I'm sorry that you felt that I should have not written that. That's why when I got home that day, I made it a point to speak to my husband.

Mama nalyn: "did my blog entry offend you? Or would you want me to delete that entry?"

Papa dward: **gives me the what the heck are you talking about look** "of course not!!! I think it's funny too. That's why I posted comments myself. It's very clear to me. What you said was you won't be happy when we get divorced. And when we do, you may be angry and do all that, but at the end of the day, you'll still think of me because you love me. You said you'll cry yourself to sleep. That means you love me so much"

(then I was like, "awwww my husband can actually talk with sense sometimes".. LOL I'm just kidding again!! Peace bro!)

But despite that, I apologize to the readers who didn't like it. And thanks for pointing it out so next time I'll be more careful in sharing the link. I definitely respect your opinion. And I'm amazed as to how you can stand up for my husband because you thought it would hurt him.

Ps: To those who liked the entry and to those who sent me emails that they like my blog and find it inspiring and at the same time funny, thanks guys :)

Post divorce forecast

EDIT:
Disclaimer: This blog entry does not mean to insult or offend Edward or Anybody. As it has raised some kind of controversy, I have writen a "Public Apology" for those who have been offended. Also, the divorce is just ficticious. so is the forecast. :)

Having a failed marriage is one of my greatest fears especially now that we have Collin.

Every now and then, papa dward and I talk about the possibility of us getting a divorce. We both agree that so far there doesn't seem to be a possibility as we both are very much willing to handle/bear/tolerate/suffer with each others bothersome-anger-inducing-irritating-sometimes-impossible-to-understand-attitude. Also, we both know that there is just one thing that will lead us straight to that direction. And that is cheating.

I tell him I'll never cheat. So I say, he will not have the reason to leave me.

Then he says he will not do that also. So that means we will then never be divorced.

I know that the possibility of him cheating is slim to none, but if he ever does, HE WILL BE GOING DOWN!!

Do you know what I mean by that?

Allow me to answer that question by giving you my post divorce forecast:

1. I will start a new blog and name it www.YouAreAFuckingMoronAndASonOfAbitchEdwardTheStupidBastard.com and I will blog every day about what an A hole he is. every day. Every.single.effing.day

2. I'll gather up all his Jordan shoes and pour gas on them. I'll call him up and tell him Collin misses him. Then as soon as he arrives, I'll put his shoes on fire. And I'll laugh like a Villain as I watch him moan and groan like a biatch while trying to save his shoes from the ranging fire.

3 I'll call his new girl friend with ass kicking nick names. I think I'll call her curious George. Yeah I'll be bitter like that!!! OK. I'll think of a better name.

4. I will scratch and smash his car and stab all four tires with a knife and will spray paint "SUCKER!!" on it.

5. I will show my friends a picture of his new girlfriend. And we will talk shit about her. About how ugly she is. About how she's a high school drop out. About how her armpit stinks. Regardless of what the truth is.

6. I will drag the divorce papers and will call every girl he dates a mistress, even if we've been separated for 10, 15 or 20 yrs.

7. I will hack his facebook, email, bank account, iphone, corporate portals and the like.

8. I'll tell every one that I never really loved him and that I don't consider our divorce a failure, rather, it's a new beginning or whatever term sounds good and invigorating.

9. I'll flirt around 'till I find the most
handsome and successful man I can ever find. Never mind his attitude nor our feelings for each other, I'll just lie and tell everyone he is such a wonderful man and we are crazy about each other.

10. Lastly, I will cry myself to sleep evey night while nobody is watching. Every. Single. Effing.night.

Murphy's law - mommy's edition

1. When mommy needs to wake up early the next day for important reasons like work, baby fusses all night. But when it's a week end or
A holiday, Collin is in deep slumber all through out the night.

2. When mommy has diapers and wipes in her room, Collin doesn't need
to be changed. But with out diapers, of course he decides to poop at 2 in the morning.

3. During the week days when the nanny is taking care of Collin, he takes a nap for at least an hour and a half long. Every. Single. Day. But on weekends when the nanny is off, I'm lucky when he gets an hour nap.

4. As a sr. software engineer, my hours and workload is not like that of a typical employee. There are occasions that I have to work outside business hours while nobody is using the system. That goes to say that there are nights that I'm working till midnight. And that's all fine by me. What I don't like is when Collin wakes up fully charged at 4 am, thinking that it's morning already. What's wierd is that he only does that when I work really late at night. The later I work, the earlier he wakes up!

Mamas' Dictionary

Here are a few new words that has been recently added to my vocabulary.

1. Fine dining - take out from mc donalds

2 sleeping in - sleeping until 8 am

3 hot coffee- coffee which is hot but is with ice to cool it down fast. And it's decaffe

4 Get in shape - do kegels. Clench and release.

5. lol - laughing hard and may have pee'd a lil bit in her underpants!

I loose

**This is a late post. I found this blog entry in my drafts. I wrote it last spring**

Papa dward found baby Collin was just wearing his diapers when he unswaddled him. So I explained that his nanny did that because it was probably hot in his room. I further explained that, earlier, Collins nanny turned the heater off then I turned it back on.

Papa dward: it was hot??!

Mama nalyn: maybe it was a lil too warm. because remember it's hotter in his room than the rest of house

Papa dward: then why did u turn it back on? (then gives me the your're-an-evil-irresponsible-mom look)

Mama nalyn; because i was freezing. But I kept the temperature low though.

Papa d: **shrugs his shoulder**

Wanting to redeem myself, I explained further.

Mama n: I was so cold that I thought I was gonna get sick...

Papa d: **cold treatment**

Mama n: and I was getting chills...

Papa d: **gives me the you-evil-mom look again**

Mama n: my chin was really shaking uncontrollably...

Papa d: **still doesn't care**

I wanted to go on and on until he understands that the house was freezing. I wanted to say, "I was gonna pass out," or "I was having frost bites," or "it was snowing inside the house!!"

Oh I was gonna say anything to win my case.

But I knew he doesn't care. He was very wrapped up with the idea that his baby was 'uncomfortably' warm. Not very hot. Just uncomfortably warm.

So instead, I kept my mouth shut.

And stood, defeated.

How an iPhone can add 20 minutes of sleep (and wake you up there after)

Adding 20 minutes of sleep:
Every morning when Collin wakes up, I hand him my iPhone so he can use the app showing different animals and their sounds. He watches it like a hawk while his little fingers select which animals he wants to hear.

Isn't that great? When your an exhausted mom with a full time job, twenty minutes is a longggg time.

Buy somehow, Collin found a way to use the same device to wake me up.

Here's how according to Collin.

1. Hold on to the iPhone with one hand
2. Raise it all the way up.
3. Slam it on moms eye in full force.

And that's how it's done fella'


Ps. Looks like I need to find a new way to buy more quiet time in the morning. Anybody got tips? :)

An I'm Sorry note on Father's day

Once again it's Father's Day.

For 30 years in my life, I've always been eager for Father's Day; excited to greet all the dads I know. Wondering how fun would it be to be a dad. To be the strongest man to someone. To be their ultimate hero. To be someone that their offspring look up to like a perfect human being.

But today, I do not feel the same way.

I dread this day. All because the person I love so much has been dreading this day; counting down like as if the world is coming to an end. Like waiting for a bomb to explode; looking into it like a day that shouldn't happen.

And I'm sorry you feel that way.

I'm sorry Edward.

Those three words are not the words I planned to say to you. But I do not know how to say happy Father's Day to you, or should I even say it at all.

I'm sorry that you don't seem happy or excited for Father's Day. But I do understand. It's your first Father's Day with out a dad after all.

You know that I'm always here for you. I am grieving with you. And you can take your time to grieve, but always remember that with me, you don't have to hold it in; you don't have to pretend;

You don't have to say jokes to make everybody laugh while you are desperately crying inside.

I know you are hurting. And that's OK. I am hurting too.

Even though it's not in the same way as you do, I am hurting too because I see you hurting. And I am hurting because your dad is my loss too.

Your dad is one of the best people I've ever known. And I hope that you know that I'm not saying that just because he passed away.

No my love. My praises to him is not like what anybody does when someone dies: saying good things that they've never said when the person was alive.

I've said this over and over again; even way back when he was alive and perfectly well: Again, your dad is one of the best people I've ever met.

I'm saying that because I've known him. His been a part of my life; of our life. He has always been everybody's papa Ed and a daddy to the both of us.

I've seen him guide you to be the man that you are now; supporting us in every decision that we make; becoming our ally from the very very very beginning of our relationship; teaching you how to be a good husband to me; reminding you to be honest in everything that you do; admitting his mistakes and telling you not to do the same;

Ultimately, you are the wonderful man that you are now because of him. You are his biggest project. And he had a job well done. And for that, I know he died in peace.

It may be very sad that you don't have a father on Father's Day. But my love, we have the reason to celebrate. We ultimately have the reason to be happy. We have kids.

Ray, Brenden, and Collin are the reasons to celebrate it for. All of them makes you a father. A no ordinary one at that.

I remember the day, a few years ago, Ray told me that he likes the way you treat him. He likes the way you trust. Allowing him to grow, and maybe make mistakes of his own. Each time we have a conversation about you, my heart throbs with joy and amazement. Ray has this big respect for you; the kind that you can rarely see in teens these days. He looks up to you like a little boy looks up to his mighty hero. Despite him knowing the mistakes you've made in the past, he loves you like no other. And that my love, makes you one of the best dad's I've ever known.

And with Brenden, the mere look of excitement that he has always had whenever he sees you again; the way he asks "when will I see you again?", with the saddest look on is face; the way he studies doubly hard when you're watching and the way he waits for you to say that he did a good job; those are only the few things that tells me that you have been a wonderful father to him and he loves you like no other. And that my love, makes you one of the best dads I've ever known.

How about with Collin? I am amazed by how close he is to you even at the age of 1. While the rest of the one year olds I know wants to be with their mommies, Collin demands for you. The way he throws tantrums the moment you go behind his gate, the way he giggles as you give him butterfly kisses, the way he sneaks away from me to you during 'tidy up time'... Those tell me that he adores you and loves you like no other. And that my love, makes you one of the best dads I've ever known.

Again, I know it's sad to not have a father on Father's Day. But you have more than enough reason to celebrate. You have Ray, Brenden and Collin. And your dad? He lives in you... because you've become the man that he wants you to be. You've become the dad to our children, the same way, if not better, that your dad is to you.

The kids love you and you are the best dad to them. And that calls for a celebration my love...

Which then makes me realize that it should be a happy Father's Day after all.

Happy Father's Day mahal! Ray, Brenden, Collin and I love you very very much!

                                                                           

My Eulogy for the Best Father in Law in the World

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid."
John 14:27

 **I wrote this eulogy the week end after his death and i didn't get to finish it due to the amount of work I had to do before flying to the philippines. Despite this being an unfinished first drarft, i said it anyway on Dad ed's funeral. I hope this brings honor to the life that he has lived.**

People around me are saying that death is better than living in so much physical pain. But what I never understood is why? Why are we left to choose between the lesser of two evils? You see, I had a very very close mind. All I want for daddy ed is to be well. And Nothing less.

All those times, I never failed to say that there is still hope. That we are gonna get through this. And that all he need is a medicine. A doctor. A visit from friends and family. I even name names of people who's been in the same situation, but managed to get through it. Believe me when I say I never ran out of examples. Basing it on experiences of family and friends and friends of friends... Naming each of them specifically and saying that if all of them made it alive then why can't he? Why can't dad beat death?

I never lossed hope. I never say give up. I never said let go. Until the night before his death, when I had to tell him "we are gonna be ok dad. We are gonna be ok. We just don't want you to be in pain."

I lied. I had to lie. Because I know it's not ok. I. am. not. ok.

Because how can I be ok with the fact that I can no longer see dad cuddling in bed with my step son brenden. I will never see dad making him tents out of blankets on top of his bed. I will never see dad Ed and my step son ray and my nephew jay-jay buying ice cream together. I will never see dad making bread with butter topped with sugar for ray. I will never see Collin's look of sheer happiness as dad Ed calls him apong. I will never see dad and Collin having their small conversations that seems to be understood by nobody else but the both of them.

Yes I should be ok. But it's hard to loose someone who's been a family to me for so long.

I met dad Ed way back on February of 2004. It was a valentines day. I was walking right behind Edward, begging him not to intoduce me just yet. I was scared and panicking and I fretted that they are not going to like me. I pushed my hair back with the palm of my hand. I tried to reach for a compact mirror before we get to the door... Only to find him at the patio. Looking over his shoulder with his gaze straight to us. Then he smiled. Anxious as I was, I only stared back and showed a half a smile. Before anybody could say anything, I was positive we were at the wrong apartment. He can't be Edwards dad. I mean I know I was going out with a really good looking guy... But that guy in the patio, with broad shoulders and sideburns enhancing his jawline and eyes deeply set and a pointy high bridged nose. That can't be Edwards dad.

My jaw just dropped when he called him dad. Then we walked in the apartment where the rest of Edwards family were; i was mesmirized by the warm welcome they showed me. All of them: mommy Meda. Armie, Lola Monique and other friends and relatives. They all seemed excited to meet me.

But despite everybody being nice and warm, I was fixated to dad Ed. I mean i absolutely loved the rest of the family. But as I've said in my speech on dad's 60th bday 5 yrs ago, dad Ed is my favorite. Choosing a favorite from a family with members so easy to love makes picking a favorite a difficult choice to make; but he is my favorite nonetheless. His tone of voice that speaks of the kind of man he is: respectable and compassionate. His endless jokes that cracks me up in every single conversation we have had. And his monggo. Yes, the mongo he cooks is incomparable. Plus the fact that he cooks that often for Edward to bring so my sister and I enjoy it. He is indeed a very thoughtful man.

I'm sure everybody here remembers him as the man who never rans out of joke. I clearly remember that whenever we have parties in the states, friends and family alike are eagerly waiting for dad to speak up, because that's when the party starts; the fun begins.

But I suppose not a lot of people knows his soft side because he never puts his guard down. He always has his smile on.

Until that day that Edward was hospitalized on April of 2004. As I stepped in the waiting room, I saw him sitting on one of the chairs; slouched with his gaze on the floor. Face flushed and eyes filled with tears.

"Tito Ed.?" I called. Then he gave a quick sudden jerk as he straightened his back, sat up, and gave me worlds fakest smile. "oh anak nasa private room na si Edward" So I left and went to the private room only to go back to him with the news that Edward is being sent back to the ICU. And that was the first and last time that I saw a sad look on his face; he pulled his hands up to the sides of his head; he once again slouched and tears filled the brim of his eyes.

Silence consumed us as I watched dad's other side: a loving, selfless father.

"magmahalan kayo (love each other)" those were the last words he told me the last time I saw him. Those are two simple words that will never be forgotten.

I don't understand why I have to let go. But I will. One day at a time. I will

Dad, I just want you to know that we love you and you'll surely be missed.

       


  (L TO R: Edward, Dad Ed, Mom Meda, Armie, Ate Mye)