An I'm Sorry note on Father's day

Once again it's Father's Day.

For 30 years in my life, I've always been eager for Father's Day; excited to greet all the dads I know. Wondering how fun would it be to be a dad. To be the strongest man to someone. To be their ultimate hero. To be someone that their offspring look up to like a perfect human being.

But today, I do not feel the same way.

I dread this day. All because the person I love so much has been dreading this day; counting down like as if the world is coming to an end. Like waiting for a bomb to explode; looking into it like a day that shouldn't happen.

And I'm sorry you feel that way.

I'm sorry Edward.

Those three words are not the words I planned to say to you. But I do not know how to say happy Father's Day to you, or should I even say it at all.

I'm sorry that you don't seem happy or excited for Father's Day. But I do understand. It's your first Father's Day with out a dad after all.

You know that I'm always here for you. I am grieving with you. And you can take your time to grieve, but always remember that with me, you don't have to hold it in; you don't have to pretend;

You don't have to say jokes to make everybody laugh while you are desperately crying inside.

I know you are hurting. And that's OK. I am hurting too.

Even though it's not in the same way as you do, I am hurting too because I see you hurting. And I am hurting because your dad is my loss too.

Your dad is one of the best people I've ever known. And I hope that you know that I'm not saying that just because he passed away.

No my love. My praises to him is not like what anybody does when someone dies: saying good things that they've never said when the person was alive.

I've said this over and over again; even way back when he was alive and perfectly well: Again, your dad is one of the best people I've ever met.

I'm saying that because I've known him. His been a part of my life; of our life. He has always been everybody's papa Ed and a daddy to the both of us.

I've seen him guide you to be the man that you are now; supporting us in every decision that we make; becoming our ally from the very very very beginning of our relationship; teaching you how to be a good husband to me; reminding you to be honest in everything that you do; admitting his mistakes and telling you not to do the same;

Ultimately, you are the wonderful man that you are now because of him. You are his biggest project. And he had a job well done. And for that, I know he died in peace.

It may be very sad that you don't have a father on Father's Day. But my love, we have the reason to celebrate. We ultimately have the reason to be happy. We have kids.

Ray, Brenden, and Collin are the reasons to celebrate it for. All of them makes you a father. A no ordinary one at that.

I remember the day, a few years ago, Ray told me that he likes the way you treat him. He likes the way you trust. Allowing him to grow, and maybe make mistakes of his own. Each time we have a conversation about you, my heart throbs with joy and amazement. Ray has this big respect for you; the kind that you can rarely see in teens these days. He looks up to you like a little boy looks up to his mighty hero. Despite him knowing the mistakes you've made in the past, he loves you like no other. And that my love, makes you one of the best dad's I've ever known.

And with Brenden, the mere look of excitement that he has always had whenever he sees you again; the way he asks "when will I see you again?", with the saddest look on is face; the way he studies doubly hard when you're watching and the way he waits for you to say that he did a good job; those are only the few things that tells me that you have been a wonderful father to him and he loves you like no other. And that my love, makes you one of the best dads I've ever known.

How about with Collin? I am amazed by how close he is to you even at the age of 1. While the rest of the one year olds I know wants to be with their mommies, Collin demands for you. The way he throws tantrums the moment you go behind his gate, the way he giggles as you give him butterfly kisses, the way he sneaks away from me to you during 'tidy up time'... Those tell me that he adores you and loves you like no other. And that my love, makes you one of the best dads I've ever known.

Again, I know it's sad to not have a father on Father's Day. But you have more than enough reason to celebrate. You have Ray, Brenden and Collin. And your dad? He lives in you... because you've become the man that he wants you to be. You've become the dad to our children, the same way, if not better, that your dad is to you.

The kids love you and you are the best dad to them. And that calls for a celebration my love...

Which then makes me realize that it should be a happy Father's Day after all.

Happy Father's Day mahal! Ray, Brenden, Collin and I love you very very much!

                                                                           

My Eulogy for the Best Father in Law in the World

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid."
John 14:27

 **I wrote this eulogy the week end after his death and i didn't get to finish it due to the amount of work I had to do before flying to the philippines. Despite this being an unfinished first drarft, i said it anyway on Dad ed's funeral. I hope this brings honor to the life that he has lived.**

People around me are saying that death is better than living in so much physical pain. But what I never understood is why? Why are we left to choose between the lesser of two evils? You see, I had a very very close mind. All I want for daddy ed is to be well. And Nothing less.

All those times, I never failed to say that there is still hope. That we are gonna get through this. And that all he need is a medicine. A doctor. A visit from friends and family. I even name names of people who's been in the same situation, but managed to get through it. Believe me when I say I never ran out of examples. Basing it on experiences of family and friends and friends of friends... Naming each of them specifically and saying that if all of them made it alive then why can't he? Why can't dad beat death?

I never lossed hope. I never say give up. I never said let go. Until the night before his death, when I had to tell him "we are gonna be ok dad. We are gonna be ok. We just don't want you to be in pain."

I lied. I had to lie. Because I know it's not ok. I. am. not. ok.

Because how can I be ok with the fact that I can no longer see dad cuddling in bed with my step son brenden. I will never see dad making him tents out of blankets on top of his bed. I will never see dad Ed and my step son ray and my nephew jay-jay buying ice cream together. I will never see dad making bread with butter topped with sugar for ray. I will never see Collin's look of sheer happiness as dad Ed calls him apong. I will never see dad and Collin having their small conversations that seems to be understood by nobody else but the both of them.

Yes I should be ok. But it's hard to loose someone who's been a family to me for so long.

I met dad Ed way back on February of 2004. It was a valentines day. I was walking right behind Edward, begging him not to intoduce me just yet. I was scared and panicking and I fretted that they are not going to like me. I pushed my hair back with the palm of my hand. I tried to reach for a compact mirror before we get to the door... Only to find him at the patio. Looking over his shoulder with his gaze straight to us. Then he smiled. Anxious as I was, I only stared back and showed a half a smile. Before anybody could say anything, I was positive we were at the wrong apartment. He can't be Edwards dad. I mean I know I was going out with a really good looking guy... But that guy in the patio, with broad shoulders and sideburns enhancing his jawline and eyes deeply set and a pointy high bridged nose. That can't be Edwards dad.

My jaw just dropped when he called him dad. Then we walked in the apartment where the rest of Edwards family were; i was mesmirized by the warm welcome they showed me. All of them: mommy Meda. Armie, Lola Monique and other friends and relatives. They all seemed excited to meet me.

But despite everybody being nice and warm, I was fixated to dad Ed. I mean i absolutely loved the rest of the family. But as I've said in my speech on dad's 60th bday 5 yrs ago, dad Ed is my favorite. Choosing a favorite from a family with members so easy to love makes picking a favorite a difficult choice to make; but he is my favorite nonetheless. His tone of voice that speaks of the kind of man he is: respectable and compassionate. His endless jokes that cracks me up in every single conversation we have had. And his monggo. Yes, the mongo he cooks is incomparable. Plus the fact that he cooks that often for Edward to bring so my sister and I enjoy it. He is indeed a very thoughtful man.

I'm sure everybody here remembers him as the man who never rans out of joke. I clearly remember that whenever we have parties in the states, friends and family alike are eagerly waiting for dad to speak up, because that's when the party starts; the fun begins.

But I suppose not a lot of people knows his soft side because he never puts his guard down. He always has his smile on.

Until that day that Edward was hospitalized on April of 2004. As I stepped in the waiting room, I saw him sitting on one of the chairs; slouched with his gaze on the floor. Face flushed and eyes filled with tears.

"Tito Ed.?" I called. Then he gave a quick sudden jerk as he straightened his back, sat up, and gave me worlds fakest smile. "oh anak nasa private room na si Edward" So I left and went to the private room only to go back to him with the news that Edward is being sent back to the ICU. And that was the first and last time that I saw a sad look on his face; he pulled his hands up to the sides of his head; he once again slouched and tears filled the brim of his eyes.

Silence consumed us as I watched dad's other side: a loving, selfless father.

"magmahalan kayo (love each other)" those were the last words he told me the last time I saw him. Those are two simple words that will never be forgotten.

I don't understand why I have to let go. But I will. One day at a time. I will

Dad, I just want you to know that we love you and you'll surely be missed.

       


  (L TO R: Edward, Dad Ed, Mom Meda, Armie, Ate Mye)

Bangungot

Do you know what bangungot is?

It's that bad dream where you try to shout a top your lungs but nobody can hear you.

It's that bad dream where you try to run, run so fast, but your legs fail you.

It's that bad dream where you try to move every inch of muscle in your body, but you just can't.

It's that bad dream where you fight with all your might, yet, you just fail.

But the question really is, have you ever had it while you were wide awake?

Have you tried to scream and nobody seem to hear you?

Have you tried to run and even your legs seemed to have abandoned you?

Have you tried to move on, but you just, just can not??

Have you tried to fight, yet you never really had the chance to win?

Have you?

My Miscarriage & Grief

In this time of grief, I could not help but question, how cruel could HE be? Is this part of HIS plan? Does HE find pleasure seeing me miserable? Does HE take on my life like a teleserye?

I watched all teleseryes last night. And none of them moved me. Aahh, gwen and her brother were kidnapped and her mom was devastated. And I say… her mom was lucky. Her daughter was safe and sound, not lifeless like mine. The other showed Betty. She was very disappointed as to how her boyfriend broke her heart. How lame was that? She should be happy; she didn’t have a baby die in her womb. And another showed Rubi, she was stressing about not going to a good school and having a step dad who wastes her mom’s time and money. Ahhh… another lame one! She too, should be happy; she didn’t have to pass tissues of her baby; she doesn’t have to see blood flowing out of her; correlating it to the death of her child.

All I want now is to stay in my room. Blinds closed. Lights off. Just me. Alone in the dark as I find answers to my questions: Where was HE when I begged for a miracle? Why did HE abandon me? How could HE toy with my feelings? Why give me a child, only to take it right back?

GOD, didn’t you hear me when I called? I was there at rm#10 at the ER 3 days ago. Not just praying. But, BEGGING. “please give me a miracle. Give me a miracle. Please give me a miracle. Please please please give me a miracle,” I cried out loud over and over again as I await for the results to come back. Yet, you let it happen. You just watched as the Dr. told me that I lost my baby.

No. I do not understand. Everybody is saying God has a plan.

Jeremiah 29:11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Really? Which part of the miscarriage made me prosper? Prosper: Definition: To be successful; to succeed; to be fortunate or prosperous; to thrive; to make gain.

Did you plan to give me a successful miscarriage? Sure, my uterus is not harmed. The doctor says I’m still physically healthy despite what happened. But, my heart. My heart has been harmed to the point that it no longer wants to beat. And No; this does not give me hope. This does not leave me with a future.

This experience left me with nothing. I don’t see a lesson. It doesn’t make me stronger. I will never be able to look back and laugh at this. Rather, this only tears me apart. This pulls me down and shreds me into pieces. It’s the kind of battle I could not possibly win.

I hate to question GOD. I’ve always had faith in HIM. But my agony gives the devil the chance to tie my hands, crush my legs and grip my neck. I can not breathe. I can not fight. I can’t even open my eyes. But I can hear the Devil laughing in my ears. Telling me not to believe in GOD.

Between all this, I remember a pastor once said, “GOD has good plans for you. And Sin, sets you apart from that plan.”

(John 3:36) 36 One who believes in the Son has eternal life, but one who disobeys the Son won’t see life, but the wrath of God remains on him.”

In all honestly, I feel that this is the wrath of God. Is this the consequence of my sins? Does that mean, I am the cause of the death of my baby? Did I, R****lyn C********-C**** kill my baby? I killed my reason to live…

God, once again I beg. Please open up your arms. Allow me to put my head on your chest as I weep for the lost my child. Let me hear the beat of your heart. Remind me of your unconditional love. Please hug me tight. I need it now. More than ever. Please, free me from the captivity of the devil.

(James 5:15-16) 15 and the prayer of faith will heal him who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. If he has committed sins, he will be forgiven

Forgive me for questioning you. I could not win this battle alone. Please give me the strength to go through this grief. I come to you with humility, trust and love; please help me understand and accept this miscarriage. And thank you, for keeping my body capable to conceive again. Once again, I pray for the miracle of life.

P.S. please tell my baby up there that his/her mommy and daddy miss him/her already. I’ll be good here on earth, so one day, I’ll see her in heaven. And oh, please tell her to look down. Our orange tree in our back yard has fruits. It’s beautiful