Dude, I'm The Man!

For the past couple of days, I can't help but pray for the Miracle of Life. I pray as I drive. I pray as I take a shower. I pray as I cook. I pray as I eat. I pray as I wake up. I pray as I go to bed. I pray as I breath. I even find myself praying in my dreams!

You see, we now have all the necessary ingredients for our dream to come true: Good mature eggs, 14 times more than the necessary sperm count, progesterone supplements to help in implantation and more so, to improve the lining of my uterus on the event that I get pregnant. I've gone through all I could possibly do, including 'baby dancing' even while having 3 infected incisions in my lower abdomen, just to achieve this One Great Dream.

I know, I'm being a brat. Other couples try for years and years and they do not complain, while I on the other hand have been trying for only months. Perhaps, I should just be thankful that my every other dream came true: A four bedroom house in a white neighborhood, a loving caring husband, a successful career and financial freedom in my mid twenties. All these I brag to myself. I fool myself into believing that I'm the Man! Looking back, I could not see any other instance that I have prayed as much as I have now. And this gives me the realization of what a fool I have been. Why only pray so much now? What's up with the 'quick' prayers during the times when I thought I had it all? I am such a fool.

I hate to admit this, but I deserve the miscarriage. I deserved to be heart broken because of that.

And I do not deserve the house, the family, the career. Yet, GOD provided me with all that. HE never stopped pouring all these blessings despite me being thankless.

I must also admit, that there are several times that I do not post, or hesitate to post a blog when there is so much about GOD and my faith in HIM. As I've said, I'm the Man!!!! Not some nerdy, nun-like lady! Dude, I'm cool ya' know!? :)

But it's about time to make things right. I should not care if there are people who'll think negatively of me for posting a blog on my Faith in GOD.

And today, I pray for forgiveness for all the years when I didn't praise GOD enough. I pray for forgiveness for all the years that I rarely pray. And I thank GOD for giving me all the possessions I have even when I do not deserve it. I thank GOD for binding my husband and I into a wonderful happy blessed marriage.

And once again, I pray for the Miracle of Life. I pray for a healthy and safe pregnancy in the near future. GOD, it is only through your power and glory that our One Great Dream will come true. These are the desires of my heart. But nevertheless, it is not my will, but YOUR Will be done.

1 John 5:14-15
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him

I end this blog with a note: Dude, I am the Man! For I am a woman with One Big GOD!

Bangungot

Do you know what bangungot is?

It's that bad dream where you try to shout a top your lungs but nobody can hear you.

It's that bad dream where you try to run, run so fast, but your legs fail you.

It's that bad dream where you try to move every inch of muscle in your body, but you just can't.

It's that bad dream where you fight with all your might, yet, you just fail.

But the question really is, have you ever had it while you were wide awake?

Have you tried to scream and nobody seem to hear you?

Have you tried to run and even your legs seemed to have abandoned you?

Have you tried to move on, but you just, just can not??

Have you tried to fight, yet you never really had the chance to win?

Have you?

If enviousness could kill...

If enviousness could kill,

I could have died last Saturday...

I'm suppose to write about the bad stuff in New York. But, for now, I prefer to get this off of my chest.

A note to Mr. & Mrs. prego: Well, I'm blocking you from this blog to avoid possible misunderstanding but is adding this note just in case. I really am very happy for both of you. You deserve such a wonderful blessing. And I'm sorry for being envious...

As soon as I woke up last Saturday, I was immediately reminded of the Baby Shower that we are gonna go to. For some reasons, I felt the need to wait for my hubby to go home before I go to the Baby Shower. Not that I was sad; I actually did not know why. But I just really wanted to wait for him; and so I did.

As soon as we got to Ate M's house, I felt awful. :( I did not see it coming. I did not understand why because I was actually excited for that event a few days before. But as soon as I stepped in, I was shocked to have that familiar feeling: ENVY.

I was envious; Envious of my preggy cousin in law, who I'll call Mrs. Preggo in this blog. I knew that what I was feeling was totally wrong. But how, how can I not be envious when she gets to celebrate for having something that I lost? How can I not be envious when she has a big fat belly, while I, I, I have but an empty womb. She gets to celebrate life, while I had to mourn death.

I know. I know. The world does not revolve around me. This is very selfish of me. But that is why I chose to wear a 'happy' mask that day. As I did not want to rain on their parade, I decided to keep all my sadness in my chest. As I kept it in, I felt my heart like a dam with water to its brim, just about to overflow.

I compose my self. I smile a fake smile.

My husband seemed to have seen passed my thick mask. He asked, "ok ka lang mahal?" Then I lied and said, "yes, I'm ok." Then I turned my back to go to the bathroom. And there I sat, starring at it's turquoise-like wall; feeling the soft rag beneath my feet; rocking myself back and forth; pushing tears away from my eyes, on to the dam - deep, deep inside my heart.

It was hard to keep it in, but I had to. I can't even cry on husband's arms because it will just open a can of worms. And most importantly, it was the day for Mrs. Preggo to celebrate and be happy! It was a happy event, and so be it.

But thank GOD for being there for me... that day wasn't so bad when it ended... in fact, twas good!

Psalm 46
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."

over-FAITH-ing

Ok. So I've written a lot about what I was going through lately.

My mom flew all the way from the Philippines to help me go through the pain. Well, she never had a miscarriage and she could conceive by just winking her eye. But you see, she's my mom. She may not know the experience first hand, but she undoubtedly is connected to me. All the happiness in my life transcends from my heart to hers; and so are the stab of excruciating pain as it quivers its way down my spine.

At one point she told me not to loose faith. She wants to make sure that I won't be like others who backslid.

That is, however, something that is far from happening to me. I may have questioned HIM but never did I loose hope. In fact, the experience made me realize how much room I have for growth in faith. This experience made it clearer to me that I need HIS help to have a stronger faith; And that HE really has plans that I could not foretell.

This reminds me of our 'failed vacation plan.' A week ago I felt the need to go out the country. Not in the Philippines but somewhere that I've never been before. Perhaps, I need to unwind to help myself be back on track. Immediately, I looked for visa requirements to go to Japan. I emailed my always reliable friend Ivy, who was of course very happy to help. I was so ecstatic and I can just imagine myself having fun and going back to the states with a fresh start. Then came Monday, bad news. With our very frantic schedule and jobs, it is just NOT doable. We just can NOT. To my surprise, I wasn't very disappointed. Honest-to-goodness, the first thing that came to my mind was "GOD must have better plans for me!!." Admittedly, I am not the kind of person who normally thinks like that. The typical R****lyn would be very disheartened.

And so I wonder, "what could be a better plan than a trip to Japan?". Ahhh, perhaps GOD is in the works of sending me the Miracle of Life. SOON.

But on second thoughts, I could also be over-reacting, or rather, over-faith-ing. I feel like so enthusiastic to have the gift of life that I over-analyze it.

I just IMAGINE my self accidentally dropping the remote control and asking, "Why?? Why did this happen?? Why did I accidentally drop the remote control?? What is God's plan?? Is HE going to send a new LED 50 inch TV so our soon to be baby can watch spongebob on the big screen?".

I laugh at myself.

Oh men, maybe I'm just expecting too much. Why can't i just pray, "I surrender my life to YOU. May YOUR plans happen, with or with out a baby in the near future. Whatever YOUR will is, I will be shouting for joy."

Instead, I can't help but pray for the miracle of life. I pray that I will soon bear a child. I pray for a healthy pregnancy. And again, if this is not in YOUR plan in the near future, I pray for strength, that I could get by.

In steadfast, I believe, there is a reason as to why the Trip to Japan can't push through. And yes, it may not be because the baby is coming that soon, but whatever the reason is, I look forward to it; For HIS plans are always by far better than mine. Ah! HE’s awesome!

For now, I keep my contraceptive pills in my purse; and will once again, take one tonight. **sigh**

The Power Of Farting

For the past couple of weeks, I had been wearing a mask as I dealt with carrying my own cross. Somehow, I knew I had used my "alloted" recovery time. Much like a game of mario, the "time was up." It was time to move on, regardless of whether I was ready or not.

Four days ago was exactly one month since I had the worst-EST day of my life. I dreaded that day because that was also the day that my period was due. You see, after passing tissues of my baby, blood is no longer the flow of my life. It no longer is what keeps me alive. Instead, to me, blood is synonymous to death. A death to the life of my unborn child; a death to my dream of motherhood.

I have been telling myself to be ready for this day. To be strong as I see a facade of hideous congnizance. In the midst of preparing myself for the day to come, luck must have really just gone out of my way; For my period came 5 days earlier than expected. I wasn't ready. I didn't see it comming and my shield was all the way down.

With it came a massive amount of ill memories that I have locked in a box and thrown away in a big deep wide ocean. This box found its way back to my hands. It was very heavy and I could barely keep my balance. Simultaneously, it felt like I was standing in the middle of this ocean; and tsunami-cal waves were comming my way. My vision started to blur as tears fill my eyes.

Only one question remained running in my head:

"May I, May I please cry for one last time? May I?"

I answered myself: NO. So I closed my eyes really tight. I supposed, I need to hold this in. I moved to my side, lying in a fetal position and put our blanket atop my head to force myself to sleep.

Then I heard a I high pitched sound... "Pooooot". ARGGH! my sleeping hubby farted! Not to mention, he ate lots of prunes. So I pulled my self out the darkness underneath the blanket, away from the rotten-egg-like smell in the air. And I once again looked at the room that I was in; A room that have seemed to have lost its colors; left only with just hues of gray.

I lied there tormented: May I cry?

NO.

I remained in the verge of tears.

But looking back, i now just want to hit my edward on the head!

NOTE: this is a true story of my life. believe it or not. grrrrr

Ang Pagbabalik ni Edward at ang Usapang Panty

Perhaps most of you know my hubby, Edward R C.

He is one fine man. He is not like the adorable hotties in our filipino movies who loves unconditionally and would beg for love in case she changes her mind on him. Far from Gerald Anderson who waits for Kim Chiu for years till she comes back from abroad; Not like Gabby Conception who takes back Angelica Panganiban even after an affair with Derek Ramsey in "I love you, good bye."

He is more like just a guy. He HAD his own share of some flings. Ok lotsa them. And yes, could be just like the guy you are with now, who also HAD dated/fooled more than 1 woman. (note the word HAD: past tense, as in before I came to the picture! as far as i know of course!)

Somehow, as he aged, he matured. He is a way better man than he was before. And the best part is, despite being 'mature', he is young at heart and really makes me laugh. Unfortunately, 99.9% of his jokes are green. So green like that of a grass! I have loved that part of him even though he has some, or quite a lot, (or lotsa lots) of jokes that are off. And yes, these jokes are utterly annoying at times (or a lot of times). Especially when I am unhappy or stressed and he suddenly blurts out a green joke! Not just that, he thinks of something green over almost anything and everything. Like when i say i want hotdog and eggs for breakfast, he shows a grin, and I know what he's thinking! argghh

But for once in 6 years that we've been together, he was speachless too when we were going through that hardest part of our lives. He knew that I needed time to heal the pain. He did not throw any unsolicited advice as to moving on and getting over my miscarriage. He was just there; putting my hair away from my face, geting some clothes for me to change up as I was so depressed to do so, bringing food to our bedroom just so I would eat.

During those days, i felt so weary for this unexplicable event in out life. Moreso, I was devastated with the fact that it had put stress into our relationship as husband and wife. During those days, my hubby remained a serious, non-joking man. While I, I somehow forgot what it's like to smile; I just moaned and groaned all day long.

Days passed and I felt a little better. At that time, I wasn't sure if he feels better also. I assumed he was sad deep inside his heart because I still had not heard anything 'green' from him.

Then, I went to Victoria Secret to buy make up.

When we got home, he looked somehow excited.

dward: mahal?
me: yes?
dward: nakabili ka ng panty?
me: panty????
dward: diba pumunta ka ng victoria secret?? namili ka ng panty?? (with a grin on his face and sorta winks his eye)

And that's how I found out he's moved on... My Edward is back!

Divine Intervention

It was the first Sunday since my miscarriage; the first time that I opened myself up to the world again and saw some of my closest friends;

Just like any other Sundays, I had planned to go to Church that day; Despite knowing that I wasn't ready; despite knowing that I would just be torn when I see pregnant ladies around me; despite knowing that I would go back to square one IF I see a baby. Albeit all that, I faced this insane world, for the bible says that that day should be spent glorifying GOD.

Then, hell seemed to have broken loose.

As my husband and I sat at the end of the row, right before the aisle, a couple walked by and took a sit right in front of us. Oh, not a couple; A family. The dad dragged the stroller with his right hand, and held their baby with his left. Then there was the Mom; with a bump; A baby bump.

As expected, I wept.

While the pastor was giving the sermon, I was trying to pull myself together. And just when I was able to feel strong again, the sermon was over. Out of the blue, the pastor called a couple! When I looked back, there they were; Walking towards the front; carrying a Baby! It was time for a dedication (Christian version of christening/baptism).

All I could do was burry my face on my husbands arm as everybody was saying "ohhh", "ahh", "cuteeeee" every second of the minute! It felt like they are saying it right beside my ear. Like I was being teased such as that of a poor kid. It was so hard to bear and all I wanted to do was walk out. But I couldn't. I knew I should not. So all I did was sob and wallow in anguish. I was angry and envious.

I asked, "God, why? why do you have to push me away? I come to you begging for mercy but you, YOU choose to push me away instead. I was starting to move on yesterday, but now, YOU made me stumble and fall once again." I could not understand why HE wreaks havoc in my life.

All I wanted to do was get out of the church; Quick. But my friend spoke to the pastor and asked him for a time with me. Before I could do or say anything, he was right in front of me, with his hand reaching out. I wanted to do nothing but turn my back. I knew he doesn't have the answers to my questions. I didn't need another person to tell me to get over it and move on. He didn't understand, and he never will. But in respect, my husband and I spoke with him privately.

I asked our pastor, “bakit kami?”

As soon as those words came out, he looked away from me on to the floor. Then he looked back and said “why you? Why does this have to happen to the both of you?? If this happened to my wife and I, I would probably be asking the same question.” Then he went on about God’s so-called perfect plan and that our baby is in heaven.

But I already knew all that. I always go to church, remember?!

Then he asked, “Do you know Job? Have you read the book of Job?”

I realized that even after 17 years in the catholic school, I still do not remember a lot of books in the bible. So we said no.

He opened his bible and started reading some verses; hoping from one verse to another. Each verse that he read are the EXACT same questions that I asked God; Questions I blogged here in facebook; Questions that only my husband have heard; Accusations I made to God; All are in 1 book in the bible. And the pastor was reading it out to me, in spite of not knowing that those were the exact same questions that I have asked. I had to lean forward and look at the bible as he read it to me to make sure that he was not making it up.

It amazed me that he read those because he is not in my fb! And a lot of those questions are too obnoxious to actually post on facebook, and so only my husband knew about it.

Did GOD actually try to answer me through the bible? By having the pastor read to me the questions I asked, which he did not even know about, THEN letting me know what happened in the end?? Or was all that a mere coincidence?

In the end if the book of Job, HE blessed the later part of his life MORE than the first; HE multiplied the properties he owned and gave the same number of children as he has lost.

The nonbelievers will probably find humor in this, but I do, I DO believe that GOD had a divine intervention as HE brought me to that book of the bible in order for me to feel HIM; to let me know that HE heard my cry; To let me know of HIS perfect plans for me that lies ahead. And perhaps, he did not push me away while I was glorifying HIM, instead, as my mom said, HE helped me conquer my fears. HE let me see pregnant women and babies around me while I was at the church, so when I stepped out, I had conquered it all. There is nothing to fear.

I am a firm believer. I believe that there could be more bumps ahead, but I’ll get through it and GOD will be showering me with HIS blessings. HE indeed has a perfect plan.

GOD, in faith I stand strong. Thank you for helping me in this time of grief. Once again, I pray for the miracle of life. I pray for a healthy pregnancy in the future. I pray for a healthy baby. Also, please, please bless me so I would have the strength to endure the pain IF a healthy pregnancy is not in your plan for the near future.

Feb 27 - An End and a Beginning

The first thing I saw on this day was the news on Chile. the 8.8 Earthquake practically tore the homes down. I really did feel bad for them. I feel so sorry.

In the midst of it all, i somehow realized how Blessed my Life was and is. It was an awakening. But still, the burden in my heart was too heavy to carry.

I then spent the whole day lying on my bed, in my room.

As i've spent all 7 consecutive days in my room. (Three of which i spent 8 hours in my office with Door closed; Immediately going straight home after work, back in my room -- door closed.) i have watched all movies in HBO... I've watched all comedy movies and sitcoms, and none of them made me laugh.

I was left with out a choice. Only 1 movie to watch. I hestitated.

It was the move "Baby Mama"

Baby Mama Synopsis (from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0871426/synopsis)
Successful and single businesswoman Kate Holbrook has long put her career ahead of a personal life. Now 37, she's finally determined to have a kid on her own. But her plan is thrown a curve ball after she discovers she has only a million-to-one chance of getting pregnant, due to her "T-shaped uterus." Undaunted, the driven Kate allows South Philly working girl Angie Ostrowiski to become her unlikely surrogate. Simple enough ... After learning from the steely head of their surrogacy center that Angie is pregnant, Kate goes into precision nesting mode: reading childcare books, baby-proofing the apartment and researching top pre-schools. But the executive's well-organized strategy is turned upside down when her Baby Mama shows up at her doorstep with no place to live. An unstoppable force meets an immovable object as structured Kate tries to turn vibrant Angie into the perfect expectant mom. However, Angie's husband shows up while Kate is not there and thrreatens with the truth: the baby is from his sperm, not from one of Kate's eggs. Soon Angie's husband reveals the truth. The two women go to court over the case. Meanwhile, Kate has been seeing a man and sleeping with him, but she has no problem--she has a T-shaped uterus, right? The results of the paternity test reveal in court that the baby is Angie's, not Kate's. Angie and Kate refuse to speak to each other, until Angie's baby arrives. On that day, Kate dicovers that she, too, is pregnant. Angie and Kate have two happy lives after that, and Kate's child is always nine months younger than Angie's

In this movie, I laugh for the first time! I laugh with out trying. I do not understand how it happened. But at one point during the day, my heart just felt lighter. And now when i think about it, the movie wasn't even that funny. And how can that be funny for me, when i just Loss a child. But somehow; for some unexplained reason; My heart felt so light; I was "nabunutan ng tinik" in an unexplainable manner.

Well, i must admit. I still think about the baby that i loss. I think about it every minute of the hour; every hour of every day. I still do cry.

BUT... it just suddenly stopped being 'agonizing.'

I'll Be There

I'll Be There
by Claudette T. Allen


Daddy, please don’t look so sad,
Mama please don’t cry~
“Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.”

Please, try not to question God,
Don’t think he is unkind
Don’t think He sent me to you,
and then He changed his mind.

You see, I am a special child,
and I’m needed up above
I’m the special gift you gave Him,
the product of your love.

I’ll always be there with you
just watch the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that’s gleaming,
That’s my halo’s brilliant light.

You’ll see me in the morning frost,
that mists your windowpane.
That’s me in the summer showers,
I’ll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a little breeze,
from a gentle wind that blows
That’s me, I’ll be there,
planting a kiss upon your nose.

When you see a child playing,
and your heart feels a little tug,
That’s me, I’ll be there,
giving your heart a hug.

So Daddy, please don’t look so sad,
Mama don’t you cry.
I’m in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies

Unimaginable

A lot of people may not understand what it’s like to loose a child. They do not know why one has to mourn hours after hours, days after days. Especially, when their child has not even been born. Some, don't even believe, that those were not just cells, but Life.

Psalm 139:16
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

They do not understand why one could just not ‘move on.’ Some might think these mothers are just being too hard on themselves; they should help themselves; they don’t have faith; they should not allow the bitterness to swallow them whole. One will really never understand what it’s like until they loose one of their own; because there is nothing like it. Nothing.

It’s unimaginable.

I remember my grandmother Mama Sita said when my Tita Malou died, “outliving your child is the worst thing that could happen to a mother.” At that moment, I thought I could feel her pain. And I prayed that that will never happen to me. I prayed that she will have the strength to endure it.

After almost 7 years, my time has come. It is indeed, my turn to feel the pain. Mine is most likely less painful; But the fact is the same: I too, loss a child. And it is not easy.

I want to be strong for the people around me. But how?

I am dying inside.

I barely have the strength to get a day by…

“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.” Psalm 6:2-4,6-9

Feb 26

For days, i grieved and cried myself to sleep. Somehow, I managed to feel better; though just a tiny bit, but ... Better.

It was a friday and I had to go to work. I woke up early and dragged myself off the bed. I told myself, "today, I'll be stronger." Still devastated, but... Stronger.

Sure enough, i was able to put all my attention to work. Back straight. Feet flat on the floor. Eyes on the monitor. I had always been able to work under pressure, and this, I too could handle. Though iv'e been leaving my office door closed ever since i got back to work, i knew this could/would/should be the last day that i keep it shut. I was getting stronger. I suppose.

Then the clock ticked to 4:30pm. Done with my 8 hours of pretense. An oscar award winning best actress, for acting like as if I'm Ok. I could surely fool the people around me; But i could never fool myself. My heart knew what it feels; And it wasn't like what it showed.

And it's then, i felt the rush of my blood. I felt the need to immediately leave the office. I rushed out of the building. As soon as my foot stepped out, my lower lip begun to tremble. Tears started to fall. I just couldn't make it stop.

I arrived home. In my husband's arm, once again... I broke down.

Today...

Today I deleted all the drafts I made in regards to how Happy i was when i knew I was pregnant; How God answered my prayers; How i said he blessed me as soon as I said 'I surrender my life to you;"

I deleted the draft narrating how I reacted with the EPT's. How many EPT's I used.

I deleted the drafts.

In a click of a mouse I deleted these drafts in Facebook.

In a click of a mouse I deleted these drafts in my Hard drive.

If only I can do the same in my heart and mind... I too will delete the sorrow burried in these.

My Miscarriage & Grief

In this time of grief, I could not help but question, how cruel could HE be? Is this part of HIS plan? Does HE find pleasure seeing me miserable? Does HE take on my life like a teleserye?

I watched all teleseryes last night. And none of them moved me. Aahh, gwen and her brother were kidnapped and her mom was devastated. And I say… her mom was lucky. Her daughter was safe and sound, not lifeless like mine. The other showed Betty. She was very disappointed as to how her boyfriend broke her heart. How lame was that? She should be happy; she didn’t have a baby die in her womb. And another showed Rubi, she was stressing about not going to a good school and having a step dad who wastes her mom’s time and money. Ahhh… another lame one! She too, should be happy; she didn’t have to pass tissues of her baby; she doesn’t have to see blood flowing out of her; correlating it to the death of her child.

All I want now is to stay in my room. Blinds closed. Lights off. Just me. Alone in the dark as I find answers to my questions: Where was HE when I begged for a miracle? Why did HE abandon me? How could HE toy with my feelings? Why give me a child, only to take it right back?

GOD, didn’t you hear me when I called? I was there at rm#10 at the ER 3 days ago. Not just praying. But, BEGGING. “please give me a miracle. Give me a miracle. Please give me a miracle. Please please please give me a miracle,” I cried out loud over and over again as I await for the results to come back. Yet, you let it happen. You just watched as the Dr. told me that I lost my baby.

No. I do not understand. Everybody is saying God has a plan.

Jeremiah 29:11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Really? Which part of the miscarriage made me prosper? Prosper: Definition: To be successful; to succeed; to be fortunate or prosperous; to thrive; to make gain.

Did you plan to give me a successful miscarriage? Sure, my uterus is not harmed. The doctor says I’m still physically healthy despite what happened. But, my heart. My heart has been harmed to the point that it no longer wants to beat. And No; this does not give me hope. This does not leave me with a future.

This experience left me with nothing. I don’t see a lesson. It doesn’t make me stronger. I will never be able to look back and laugh at this. Rather, this only tears me apart. This pulls me down and shreds me into pieces. It’s the kind of battle I could not possibly win.

I hate to question GOD. I’ve always had faith in HIM. But my agony gives the devil the chance to tie my hands, crush my legs and grip my neck. I can not breathe. I can not fight. I can’t even open my eyes. But I can hear the Devil laughing in my ears. Telling me not to believe in GOD.

Between all this, I remember a pastor once said, “GOD has good plans for you. And Sin, sets you apart from that plan.”

(John 3:36) 36 One who believes in the Son has eternal life, but one who disobeys the Son won’t see life, but the wrath of God remains on him.”

In all honestly, I feel that this is the wrath of God. Is this the consequence of my sins? Does that mean, I am the cause of the death of my baby? Did I, R****lyn C********-C**** kill my baby? I killed my reason to live…

God, once again I beg. Please open up your arms. Allow me to put my head on your chest as I weep for the lost my child. Let me hear the beat of your heart. Remind me of your unconditional love. Please hug me tight. I need it now. More than ever. Please, free me from the captivity of the devil.

(James 5:15-16) 15 and the prayer of faith will heal him who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. If he has committed sins, he will be forgiven

Forgive me for questioning you. I could not win this battle alone. Please give me the strength to go through this grief. I come to you with humility, trust and love; please help me understand and accept this miscarriage. And thank you, for keeping my body capable to conceive again. Once again, I pray for the miracle of life.

P.S. please tell my baby up there that his/her mommy and daddy miss him/her already. I’ll be good here on earth, so one day, I’ll see her in heaven. And oh, please tell her to look down. Our orange tree in our back yard has fruits. It’s beautiful