Post divorce forecast

EDIT:
Disclaimer: This blog entry does not mean to insult or offend Edward or Anybody. As it has raised some kind of controversy, I have writen a "Public Apology" for those who have been offended. Also, the divorce is just ficticious. so is the forecast. :)

Having a failed marriage is one of my greatest fears especially now that we have Collin.

Every now and then, papa dward and I talk about the possibility of us getting a divorce. We both agree that so far there doesn't seem to be a possibility as we both are very much willing to handle/bear/tolerate/suffer with each others bothersome-anger-inducing-irritating-sometimes-impossible-to-understand-attitude. Also, we both know that there is just one thing that will lead us straight to that direction. And that is cheating.

I tell him I'll never cheat. So I say, he will not have the reason to leave me.

Then he says he will not do that also. So that means we will then never be divorced.

I know that the possibility of him cheating is slim to none, but if he ever does, HE WILL BE GOING DOWN!!

Do you know what I mean by that?

Allow me to answer that question by giving you my post divorce forecast:

1. I will start a new blog and name it www.YouAreAFuckingMoronAndASonOfAbitchEdwardTheStupidBastard.com and I will blog every day about what an A hole he is. every day. Every.single.effing.day

2. I'll gather up all his Jordan shoes and pour gas on them. I'll call him up and tell him Collin misses him. Then as soon as he arrives, I'll put his shoes on fire. And I'll laugh like a Villain as I watch him moan and groan like a biatch while trying to save his shoes from the ranging fire.

3 I'll call his new girl friend with ass kicking nick names. I think I'll call her curious George. Yeah I'll be bitter like that!!! OK. I'll think of a better name.

4. I will scratch and smash his car and stab all four tires with a knife and will spray paint "SUCKER!!" on it.

5. I will show my friends a picture of his new girlfriend. And we will talk shit about her. About how ugly she is. About how she's a high school drop out. About how her armpit stinks. Regardless of what the truth is.

6. I will drag the divorce papers and will call every girl he dates a mistress, even if we've been separated for 10, 15 or 20 yrs.

7. I will hack his facebook, email, bank account, iphone, corporate portals and the like.

8. I'll tell every one that I never really loved him and that I don't consider our divorce a failure, rather, it's a new beginning or whatever term sounds good and invigorating.

9. I'll flirt around 'till I find the most
handsome and successful man I can ever find. Never mind his attitude nor our feelings for each other, I'll just lie and tell everyone he is such a wonderful man and we are crazy about each other.

10. Lastly, I will cry myself to sleep evey night while nobody is watching. Every. Single. Effing.night.

Murphy's law - mommy's edition

1. When mommy needs to wake up early the next day for important reasons like work, baby fusses all night. But when it's a week end or
A holiday, Collin is in deep slumber all through out the night.

2. When mommy has diapers and wipes in her room, Collin doesn't need
to be changed. But with out diapers, of course he decides to poop at 2 in the morning.

3. During the week days when the nanny is taking care of Collin, he takes a nap for at least an hour and a half long. Every. Single. Day. But on weekends when the nanny is off, I'm lucky when he gets an hour nap.

4. As a sr. software engineer, my hours and workload is not like that of a typical employee. There are occasions that I have to work outside business hours while nobody is using the system. That goes to say that there are nights that I'm working till midnight. And that's all fine by me. What I don't like is when Collin wakes up fully charged at 4 am, thinking that it's morning already. What's wierd is that he only does that when I work really late at night. The later I work, the earlier he wakes up!

Mamas' Dictionary

Here are a few new words that has been recently added to my vocabulary.

1. Fine dining - take out from mc donalds

2 sleeping in - sleeping until 8 am

3 hot coffee- coffee which is hot but is with ice to cool it down fast. And it's decaffe

4 Get in shape - do kegels. Clench and release.

5. lol - laughing hard and may have pee'd a lil bit in her underpants!

I loose

**This is a late post. I found this blog entry in my drafts. I wrote it last spring**

Papa dward found baby Collin was just wearing his diapers when he unswaddled him. So I explained that his nanny did that because it was probably hot in his room. I further explained that, earlier, Collins nanny turned the heater off then I turned it back on.

Papa dward: it was hot??!

Mama nalyn: maybe it was a lil too warm. because remember it's hotter in his room than the rest of house

Papa dward: then why did u turn it back on? (then gives me the your're-an-evil-irresponsible-mom look)

Mama nalyn; because i was freezing. But I kept the temperature low though.

Papa d: **shrugs his shoulder**

Wanting to redeem myself, I explained further.

Mama n: I was so cold that I thought I was gonna get sick...

Papa d: **cold treatment**

Mama n: and I was getting chills...

Papa d: **gives me the you-evil-mom look again**

Mama n: my chin was really shaking uncontrollably...

Papa d: **still doesn't care**

I wanted to go on and on until he understands that the house was freezing. I wanted to say, "I was gonna pass out," or "I was having frost bites," or "it was snowing inside the house!!"

Oh I was gonna say anything to win my case.

But I knew he doesn't care. He was very wrapped up with the idea that his baby was 'uncomfortably' warm. Not very hot. Just uncomfortably warm.

So instead, I kept my mouth shut.

And stood, defeated.

How an iPhone can add 20 minutes of sleep (and wake you up there after)

Adding 20 minutes of sleep:
Every morning when Collin wakes up, I hand him my iPhone so he can use the app showing different animals and their sounds. He watches it like a hawk while his little fingers select which animals he wants to hear.

Isn't that great? When your an exhausted mom with a full time job, twenty minutes is a longggg time.

Buy somehow, Collin found a way to use the same device to wake me up.

Here's how according to Collin.

1. Hold on to the iPhone with one hand
2. Raise it all the way up.
3. Slam it on moms eye in full force.

And that's how it's done fella'


Ps. Looks like I need to find a new way to buy more quiet time in the morning. Anybody got tips? :)

An I'm Sorry note on Father's day

Once again it's Father's Day.

For 30 years in my life, I've always been eager for Father's Day; excited to greet all the dads I know. Wondering how fun would it be to be a dad. To be the strongest man to someone. To be their ultimate hero. To be someone that their offspring look up to like a perfect human being.

But today, I do not feel the same way.

I dread this day. All because the person I love so much has been dreading this day; counting down like as if the world is coming to an end. Like waiting for a bomb to explode; looking into it like a day that shouldn't happen.

And I'm sorry you feel that way.

I'm sorry Edward.

Those three words are not the words I planned to say to you. But I do not know how to say happy Father's Day to you, or should I even say it at all.

I'm sorry that you don't seem happy or excited for Father's Day. But I do understand. It's your first Father's Day with out a dad after all.

You know that I'm always here for you. I am grieving with you. And you can take your time to grieve, but always remember that with me, you don't have to hold it in; you don't have to pretend;

You don't have to say jokes to make everybody laugh while you are desperately crying inside.

I know you are hurting. And that's OK. I am hurting too.

Even though it's not in the same way as you do, I am hurting too because I see you hurting. And I am hurting because your dad is my loss too.

Your dad is one of the best people I've ever known. And I hope that you know that I'm not saying that just because he passed away.

No my love. My praises to him is not like what anybody does when someone dies: saying good things that they've never said when the person was alive.

I've said this over and over again; even way back when he was alive and perfectly well: Again, your dad is one of the best people I've ever met.

I'm saying that because I've known him. His been a part of my life; of our life. He has always been everybody's papa Ed and a daddy to the both of us.

I've seen him guide you to be the man that you are now; supporting us in every decision that we make; becoming our ally from the very very very beginning of our relationship; teaching you how to be a good husband to me; reminding you to be honest in everything that you do; admitting his mistakes and telling you not to do the same;

Ultimately, you are the wonderful man that you are now because of him. You are his biggest project. And he had a job well done. And for that, I know he died in peace.

It may be very sad that you don't have a father on Father's Day. But my love, we have the reason to celebrate. We ultimately have the reason to be happy. We have kids.

Ray, Brenden, and Collin are the reasons to celebrate it for. All of them makes you a father. A no ordinary one at that.

I remember the day, a few years ago, Ray told me that he likes the way you treat him. He likes the way you trust. Allowing him to grow, and maybe make mistakes of his own. Each time we have a conversation about you, my heart throbs with joy and amazement. Ray has this big respect for you; the kind that you can rarely see in teens these days. He looks up to you like a little boy looks up to his mighty hero. Despite him knowing the mistakes you've made in the past, he loves you like no other. And that my love, makes you one of the best dad's I've ever known.

And with Brenden, the mere look of excitement that he has always had whenever he sees you again; the way he asks "when will I see you again?", with the saddest look on is face; the way he studies doubly hard when you're watching and the way he waits for you to say that he did a good job; those are only the few things that tells me that you have been a wonderful father to him and he loves you like no other. And that my love, makes you one of the best dads I've ever known.

How about with Collin? I am amazed by how close he is to you even at the age of 1. While the rest of the one year olds I know wants to be with their mommies, Collin demands for you. The way he throws tantrums the moment you go behind his gate, the way he giggles as you give him butterfly kisses, the way he sneaks away from me to you during 'tidy up time'... Those tell me that he adores you and loves you like no other. And that my love, makes you one of the best dads I've ever known.

Again, I know it's sad to not have a father on Father's Day. But you have more than enough reason to celebrate. You have Ray, Brenden and Collin. And your dad? He lives in you... because you've become the man that he wants you to be. You've become the dad to our children, the same way, if not better, that your dad is to you.

The kids love you and you are the best dad to them. And that calls for a celebration my love...

Which then makes me realize that it should be a happy Father's Day after all.

Happy Father's Day mahal! Ray, Brenden, Collin and I love you very very much!

                                                                           

My Eulogy for the Best Father in Law in the World

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid."
John 14:27

 **I wrote this eulogy the week end after his death and i didn't get to finish it due to the amount of work I had to do before flying to the philippines. Despite this being an unfinished first drarft, i said it anyway on Dad ed's funeral. I hope this brings honor to the life that he has lived.**

People around me are saying that death is better than living in so much physical pain. But what I never understood is why? Why are we left to choose between the lesser of two evils? You see, I had a very very close mind. All I want for daddy ed is to be well. And Nothing less.

All those times, I never failed to say that there is still hope. That we are gonna get through this. And that all he need is a medicine. A doctor. A visit from friends and family. I even name names of people who's been in the same situation, but managed to get through it. Believe me when I say I never ran out of examples. Basing it on experiences of family and friends and friends of friends... Naming each of them specifically and saying that if all of them made it alive then why can't he? Why can't dad beat death?

I never lossed hope. I never say give up. I never said let go. Until the night before his death, when I had to tell him "we are gonna be ok dad. We are gonna be ok. We just don't want you to be in pain."

I lied. I had to lie. Because I know it's not ok. I. am. not. ok.

Because how can I be ok with the fact that I can no longer see dad cuddling in bed with my step son brenden. I will never see dad making him tents out of blankets on top of his bed. I will never see dad Ed and my step son ray and my nephew jay-jay buying ice cream together. I will never see dad making bread with butter topped with sugar for ray. I will never see Collin's look of sheer happiness as dad Ed calls him apong. I will never see dad and Collin having their small conversations that seems to be understood by nobody else but the both of them.

Yes I should be ok. But it's hard to loose someone who's been a family to me for so long.

I met dad Ed way back on February of 2004. It was a valentines day. I was walking right behind Edward, begging him not to intoduce me just yet. I was scared and panicking and I fretted that they are not going to like me. I pushed my hair back with the palm of my hand. I tried to reach for a compact mirror before we get to the door... Only to find him at the patio. Looking over his shoulder with his gaze straight to us. Then he smiled. Anxious as I was, I only stared back and showed a half a smile. Before anybody could say anything, I was positive we were at the wrong apartment. He can't be Edwards dad. I mean I know I was going out with a really good looking guy... But that guy in the patio, with broad shoulders and sideburns enhancing his jawline and eyes deeply set and a pointy high bridged nose. That can't be Edwards dad.

My jaw just dropped when he called him dad. Then we walked in the apartment where the rest of Edwards family were; i was mesmirized by the warm welcome they showed me. All of them: mommy Meda. Armie, Lola Monique and other friends and relatives. They all seemed excited to meet me.

But despite everybody being nice and warm, I was fixated to dad Ed. I mean i absolutely loved the rest of the family. But as I've said in my speech on dad's 60th bday 5 yrs ago, dad Ed is my favorite. Choosing a favorite from a family with members so easy to love makes picking a favorite a difficult choice to make; but he is my favorite nonetheless. His tone of voice that speaks of the kind of man he is: respectable and compassionate. His endless jokes that cracks me up in every single conversation we have had. And his monggo. Yes, the mongo he cooks is incomparable. Plus the fact that he cooks that often for Edward to bring so my sister and I enjoy it. He is indeed a very thoughtful man.

I'm sure everybody here remembers him as the man who never rans out of joke. I clearly remember that whenever we have parties in the states, friends and family alike are eagerly waiting for dad to speak up, because that's when the party starts; the fun begins.

But I suppose not a lot of people knows his soft side because he never puts his guard down. He always has his smile on.

Until that day that Edward was hospitalized on April of 2004. As I stepped in the waiting room, I saw him sitting on one of the chairs; slouched with his gaze on the floor. Face flushed and eyes filled with tears.

"Tito Ed.?" I called. Then he gave a quick sudden jerk as he straightened his back, sat up, and gave me worlds fakest smile. "oh anak nasa private room na si Edward" So I left and went to the private room only to go back to him with the news that Edward is being sent back to the ICU. And that was the first and last time that I saw a sad look on his face; he pulled his hands up to the sides of his head; he once again slouched and tears filled the brim of his eyes.

Silence consumed us as I watched dad's other side: a loving, selfless father.

"magmahalan kayo (love each other)" those were the last words he told me the last time I saw him. Those are two simple words that will never be forgotten.

I don't understand why I have to let go. But I will. One day at a time. I will

Dad, I just want you to know that we love you and you'll surely be missed.

       


  (L TO R: Edward, Dad Ed, Mom Meda, Armie, Ate Mye)

A letter to Collin (as he turns one)

Dear Collin,

You might not believe it, or understand it just yet, but baby, you turned my life around.

The moment I knew that I was carrying you, the flowers bloomed, the birds chirped, the sky turned so blue. Oh everything just became much more beautiful. It was that news that made me happy again. You made me live again. No hatred. No bitterness. It was then that I can face the world with real smile plastered across my face.

You freed me from a bondage. You freed me from the monthly frustrations of getting negative pregnancy tests. You freed me from the pain of knowing I may never be a 'mother.' You freed me from the galloping sadness that swallows me whole when a pregnant woman passes by.

And would you believe, its been a year since I gave birth to you.

Yes my dear pork pie, you are one year old today.

Where has time gone by?

Didn't I just take you home from the hospital yesterday?

honey bunny, time flies really fast. But that's ok because every day I had since I have you has been a time well spent; Spent with lots of hugs and kisses. Off coo's and sighs and sometimes soprano like cries. It's been spent with me soothing you through the night, watching you sleep. It's been spent making funny faces that makes you laugh. It's been spent chasing you around while you crawl so fast like a rat. It's been spent tickling you. Dancing with you. And lots of peek a boos. It's been spent with just about every nursery rhymes out there. It's been all spent with so much love. Lots and lots of love.

I clearly remember the day we brought you home. Your dad was driving while you and I were at the back seat. As soon our car made a turn at the curb by our house, I started crying baby. I cried tears of joy like never before.

"I was pregnant when we left the house. And unlike my previous pregnancy, we are actually now back home with a baby on hand. I can't believe this is real." That was all I could say in between grasps of breath.

And that was the day that our house turned into a home.

Oh honey bunny, you refused to let mommy sleep when we got home. You scream like a giant bear the moment I move a foot away from you. You are most comfortable when you sleep on my chest; listening to my heartbeat perhaps telling you how much I love you.

After a couple of months you started sleeping through the night; 6-8 hrs straight. But then you started teething, all of a sudden, we were back to square one. You once again wanted to stay close. Lying on my chest. Listening to my heart as it tells you how much I love you.

At 4 months you started to sit unassisted. Your body wobbles from side to side as you try to keep your balance. And you started laughing too!! Oh you are the cutest!!! You made mommy smile ear to ear.

At 6 months you had your first bottom teeth. I was having such a lousy upsetting day. I was holding you and hugging you as I attempt to make myself feel better. And it was then that you grinned and showed me your bottom front tooth. And thats all you had to do baby. You turned my day around just like that.

At 8 months you surprised us when you started crawling all of a sudden. I thought you were satisfied with just scooting around. But it's like you changed your mind. Your dad and I were in awe as you made your way to me from him. Oh once again. You made our day!!

My dear Collin, I cant help but cry in the depths of unfathomable happiness and content. You just grew up way too fast. But yet again, that's ok, because every single day were time well spent.

I love you so much Collin. More than words can every say. And more than any action I can ever do. I love you above over and beyond anything in my life.

Love,
Mommy

Things I have to remind myself in planning Collins 1st bday

1. Calm down, it's just his first birthday, not his wedding.

2. You are not rich. You have a budget. CUT THE COSTS DOWN.

3. Repeat: CUT.THE.COSTS.DOWN.

4. You do not have to invite every homo sapiens you know. And no, you don't have to invite the barista who made your coffee. Nor the waitress who said your son is cute.

5. Again, this is just his birthday, not his wedding. So what the heck are you crying about??!!??!!

What it's like to be a mom

1. You will never be able to sleep again the moment you give birth to your firstborn. Sure the baby will eventually sleep through the night, but you, the mother, won't. Because you will be checking on your child every 3 hours and will spend at least 15 minutes starring at your sleeping child and other than those 3 hours interval, you will be checking on your child when you hear your neighbors dog barking, thr birds chirping, the ants playing, or when you hear the news that there's is an earthquake even of its in the other side of the planet, because you can't help but wonder, is your child safe? On quiet-no-dogs-barking-earthquake-news-free-nights, you will still be checking if your child is really safe because you would wonder, why is it too quiet?

2. You will never be alone again. Ever. By that I mean even while you pee, you will never be alone again. Because your child will never leave you alone and will scream bloody murder the moment you go to the bathroom with out him.

3. You will be happy everyday. Because no matter how stressful your day has been, no matter how many problems you have, no matter what kind of crisis you are going through, the moment you hear your child squeal in delight as you open the front door when you get home, all that will fade away. It's just you and your child, and wherever you are, for as long as you are together, you will be in the happiest place on earth. Your child has much more than what Disneyland can offer. Much much more.