Unhappy Stick

BLAH!

Dude, I'm The Man!

For the past couple of days, I can't help but pray for the Miracle of Life. I pray as I drive. I pray as I take a shower. I pray as I cook. I pray as I eat. I pray as I wake up. I pray as I go to bed. I pray as I breath. I even find myself praying in my dreams!

You see, we now have all the necessary ingredients for our dream to come true: Good mature eggs, 14 times more than the necessary sperm count, progesterone supplements to help in implantation and more so, to improve the lining of my uterus on the event that I get pregnant. I've gone through all I could possibly do, including 'baby dancing' even while having 3 infected incisions in my lower abdomen, just to achieve this One Great Dream.

I know, I'm being a brat. Other couples try for years and years and they do not complain, while I on the other hand have been trying for only months. Perhaps, I should just be thankful that my every other dream came true: A four bedroom house in a white neighborhood, a loving caring husband, a successful career and financial freedom in my mid twenties. All these I brag to myself. I fool myself into believing that I'm the Man! Looking back, I could not see any other instance that I have prayed as much as I have now. And this gives me the realization of what a fool I have been. Why only pray so much now? What's up with the 'quick' prayers during the times when I thought I had it all? I am such a fool.

I hate to admit this, but I deserve the miscarriage. I deserved to be heart broken because of that.

And I do not deserve the house, the family, the career. Yet, GOD provided me with all that. HE never stopped pouring all these blessings despite me being thankless.

I must also admit, that there are several times that I do not post, or hesitate to post a blog when there is so much about GOD and my faith in HIM. As I've said, I'm the Man!!!! Not some nerdy, nun-like lady! Dude, I'm cool ya' know!? :)

But it's about time to make things right. I should not care if there are people who'll think negatively of me for posting a blog on my Faith in GOD.

And today, I pray for forgiveness for all the years when I didn't praise GOD enough. I pray for forgiveness for all the years that I rarely pray. And I thank GOD for giving me all the possessions I have even when I do not deserve it. I thank GOD for binding my husband and I into a wonderful happy blessed marriage.

And once again, I pray for the Miracle of Life. I pray for a healthy and safe pregnancy in the near future. GOD, it is only through your power and glory that our One Great Dream will come true. These are the desires of my heart. But nevertheless, it is not my will, but YOUR Will be done.

1 John 5:14-15
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him

I end this blog with a note: Dude, I am the Man! For I am a woman with One Big GOD!

What If, The Going Gets Toughest

Yeah... toughest.

The night when I was prescribed the shots, my hubby gave me the 1st shot. The bad part was, since he was the one giving me a shot, I did not have a hand to hold. Instead, I just wrapped my arms around my pillow. Then he pricked me with an eeeniii meenie needle which didn't hurt a lot. But as soon as he pressed the syringe, I could feel a burning sensation as the med penetrated my skin. It felt like a sting of a bee... of jollibee! (no, i didn't scream this time. perhaps it was tolerable!)

But what made matters worse was that despite staying home to rest and have a lame 3 day long week end, one of the four incisions became painful. On that Friday night, I could not sleep because of discomfort. It wasn't so bad, but it wasn't getting any better either. Then by Saturday, I saw puss draining out of it. Sunday came and I could barely stay sited at church because the incision was very painful when my skirt rubbed/pressed against it. By Monday, it seemed that all the puss has been drained out.

I then woke up on a Tuesday morning and drove to work thinking that everything was fine. But as I drove, I could feel the pain in my incision to be getting worse. When I got to the office, I immediately looked for Hydrogen Peroxide to clean it up and hoped to make myself feel better. But when one of the supervisors found out that my incision has an infection, I was asked to go to the doctor immediately.

So I was back at the clinic on a gloomy Tuesday morning. The doctor examined the incision, not just by looking but by squeezing it. agooyy!!

doctor: "ok rei. there's definitely an infection there. I need to remove the stitch out and drain it."

rei: ****shocked**** "huh??"

doctor: "we have to be aggressive. because what happened was the outside was healing but inside was not."

rei: ***still shocked*** "ok."

doctor: **dips a cutip to the hydrogen peroxide*** "ok rei. this will hurt but we have to do this ok?"

rei: ***scared and shocked*** "ok."

doctor: ***rubs the cutip hard on the incision to make it open more***

rei: ***screaming**** "aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!"

doctor: ***gets a pair of scissors, sticks it through the incision, INSIDE the wound and cuts the stitch***

rei: ****screaming*** "aaahhh!!!!!!! ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!! ouchhhhhhhh!! crappppppppppp!!!"

doctor: ***gets another cutip*** "ok rei, I'll show you how you have to clean your wound. You or your husband have to be do this two times a day for the infection to heal."

rei: ***shocked*** "huh? ok"

doctor: ***shows the cutip to Edward. sticks the half of the head of the cutip INSIDE my wound, moving and rolling it from left to right***

rei: ***screaming again and squeezing Edward's hand as he became pale while watching what the doctor was doing**** "aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

doctor: ***took the cutip out after about a second or two***

Danggg!!!!!! Just when I thought all the pain is done, there came another one! The worst part was, it had to be done twice a day for the next 4-5 days. SShheeessshh!!! While still kinda traumatized from what just happened, my doctor told me we were then gonna have an ultrasound to see how my follicles/eggs were doing.

Voila! My eggs grew!!! woohooo!! But oh, it was just 14mm and we need 20. So I was prescribed 3 more shots. But I so didn't mind. After going through what the doctor did to my incision, the shots and the burning sensation became nothing!! And knowing that it worked for me made me luv the med. ohh i luv et!!!

Yeah, 3 more burning shots for 3 days and at least 4 days of traumatic-cleaning of my incision. ouch! sus maryosep! kasakit!!!


But when the going gets toughest, the toughest gets going!

Let's go beybehhh, lets go!!!

When The Going Gets Tough.....

The going gets, TOUGHER!

Yeah... I mean, the going really gets tougher!

We just had a long memorial day week end. And for the first time in more than 3 years, the hubby and I are staying home. Oh! I just miss the days when we drive out of state for the long week end... to Arizona, Utah, Nevada! Despite all the eagerness, we are but forced to stay home since my doctor advised me that I have to take it easy until a month after the surgery.

Staying home wasn't so bad at first because I had a doctor's appointment that Friday and I was eagerly hoping for a good news. It had been 15 days since since I stopped my Birth control pills and 10 days since I had my period and 8 days since I started taking meds to make me ovulate.  And it was time to check if my meds worked; to check if I am about to ovulate.

As we drove to the doctor, I could not help but pray a gazillion times. I can not tell how many times I put my hands together, with fingers entwined, eyes closed and prayed for it to work. My husband could attest to that. I just really want my meds to work.


So I was again back at the ultrasound room, lying on the table with my legs up the stirrups. And that's when we found out that the meds I was taking didn't work for me. :( My follicles that stores the egg wasn't growing and my uterine lining was thin. even though I knew we can up or switch meds, I was in shock when the doctor told me that it didn't work. I just didn't want to wait for another cycle. I mean, com'n, I've been on the pill for months after the miscarriage and now this?!?!?!

But, thank GOD I didn't have to wait for another cycle! :) My doctor told me to switch meds that day! woohooo!!!  Well, it's not all that good though... because I was switched to SHOTS. ar-ouch! I will no longer drink the meds once a night but instead, I will be given shots, once a night for the next 4 nights. agoyy! For somebody who hates needles, that's a super duper big step. But when my doctor said that upping the dosage of the meds I was taking will make my uterine lining thinner, I agreed to proceed with the shots instead. Still concerned about my ovulation, I asked my doctor what my chances are of ovulating this cycle. And yeah baby, he said 100%!

Bisaya!

Considering that they initially wanted me to have an HCG, I felt better that they are doing a Saline Ultrasound instead. As per the doctors, HCG gets an 8 while Saline U/S gets a 4 in a pain scale, with 10 as the worst pain. Better ayt??!


Within 17 hours of knowing about the Golf ball sized cyst in my ovary, we are again back at the clinic. My doctor explained the procedure and the reasons why i need to relax through out the whole procedure.

Doctor: "ok rei. i need you to relax ok? I will be inserting the catheter into your cervix and uterus"
rei: "Ok." **nods my head and inhales and exhales*
doctor: **inserts the catheter**
rei: **screaming** "AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Crap! that was not a 4, that was an 11 in the pain scale!!! I wanted to scream "AGOYYYYYYYYY!!! KASAKIT!!! PISKOT KANG BUANGA KA!!!! TANG-TANGA NA!!! LAMI KAAU KA BADJAKAN!!!!^%$$&***$%^&$#<>)&$^!!!!!"

But even in great pain, i tried to keep my composture. Instead of screaming what's in my heart and mind, I said:

rei: "ahhh! ouchhh oucchhh oucchhh!! it hurts!!!"
Dr: "i need you to relax rei so we can finish the procedure"
rei: **thinks: 'SYADAP!!! PAGHILOM DIRA!'***
nurse: "rei, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale... you have to breath rei. you have to relax and breath"
rei: ***thinks 'isa ka pa!! anak ka ng hinayupak!!' and obeys the nurse as I breath like I was on labor!!

There was nothing that i can do but breath and try my best to relax. I looked at my husband, hoping i could gain some strenght. But as soon as my eyes met his, i could tell, his balls went straight up his crotch!!! Like as if he's the one in pain!! And no, he can't help me relax because he was even more panicky than I was.

Just when I thought I can't take it anymore, the pain was gone and the doctor said the procedure was over and confirmed that my uterus has no abnormalities!!!

What a relief.

Praise God!

Golf Ball in My Ovary

As I was looking at my partially healed surgical cuts on my lower abdomen, i just remembered how busy the past month has been; juggling my work and doctor appointmentseseses! Frustrating, exciting,and fun.


After I miscarried, my doctor put me back on the contraceptive pill and ordered a series of test for me and my husband.


The test was kindda unfair really. It favors my husband. All he needed was um, porn. Then, voila! He's done! The best part was, he passed it with flying colors. All the spermies are even better than normal! They're in good shape, swim fast and there are lotsa lotsa of them!!!


Then it was my turn, several blood tests, series of ultra sounds, pelvic exams, etc etc. ssheeessh.. i felt violated. But for our baby making plans sake, i had to go through it. As expected, they found 1 condition from my blood test. Now we know why I only ovulated once in 6 months, and a possible reason why I miscarried. Right there and then they told me that they can give me a medicine to solve that problem! My heart leaped for joy and my soul seemed to have gone to heaven and back! Oh i just can't wait! Then that same day, I was sent to the ultrasound room for one last ultrasound before they can prescribe me the meds. There I sat, wearing their blue gown, flipping my hanging feet, dancing my happy dance, singing out loud "I'm gonna get pregnant... pregnant... pregnant! I'm gonna get pregnant, pregnant! yeah baby! yeah baby!"


Then the doctor stepped in. I gave him the worlds biggest smile.... only for him to wipe it off my face. Unfortunately, the cyst on my ovary quadrupled in size in less than 2 months. It was as big as a golf ball and could still be growing...He strongly suggested to have it removed after I have a Saline ultrasound and keep me on the contraceptive pill again for another month or so.


The doctor cut the middle of his sentence and asked, "Are you ok?", to which I answered yes. Then he said, "you seem," and that's when i realized that I looked obviously stressed as I was rocking myself back and forth as he was explaining the procedure and the reasons why he strongly suggests i go through it. And so I gave him an honest answer, "I'm just scared," and once again, tears started to fill my eyes.


I was at lost. I was just there, trying to grasp as much information as I can. My ignorance on this matter ate up my strenght and left me weak in my knees. Back then I didn't know the answers to these questions: Will they be able to save my ovary? What will happen next. Will I ever be able to conceive again? Will I?


But right now, I have no better words to say but "Praise God for a successful surgery!! PRAISE GOD!!!".

Bangungot

Do you know what bangungot is?

It's that bad dream where you try to shout a top your lungs but nobody can hear you.

It's that bad dream where you try to run, run so fast, but your legs fail you.

It's that bad dream where you try to move every inch of muscle in your body, but you just can't.

It's that bad dream where you fight with all your might, yet, you just fail.

But the question really is, have you ever had it while you were wide awake?

Have you tried to scream and nobody seem to hear you?

Have you tried to run and even your legs seemed to have abandoned you?

Have you tried to move on, but you just, just can not??

Have you tried to fight, yet you never really had the chance to win?

Have you?

If enviousness could kill...

If enviousness could kill,

I could have died last Saturday...

I'm suppose to write about the bad stuff in New York. But, for now, I prefer to get this off of my chest.

A note to Mr. & Mrs. prego: Well, I'm blocking you from this blog to avoid possible misunderstanding but is adding this note just in case. I really am very happy for both of you. You deserve such a wonderful blessing. And I'm sorry for being envious...

As soon as I woke up last Saturday, I was immediately reminded of the Baby Shower that we are gonna go to. For some reasons, I felt the need to wait for my hubby to go home before I go to the Baby Shower. Not that I was sad; I actually did not know why. But I just really wanted to wait for him; and so I did.

As soon as we got to Ate M's house, I felt awful. :( I did not see it coming. I did not understand why because I was actually excited for that event a few days before. But as soon as I stepped in, I was shocked to have that familiar feeling: ENVY.

I was envious; Envious of my preggy cousin in law, who I'll call Mrs. Preggo in this blog. I knew that what I was feeling was totally wrong. But how, how can I not be envious when she gets to celebrate for having something that I lost? How can I not be envious when she has a big fat belly, while I, I, I have but an empty womb. She gets to celebrate life, while I had to mourn death.

I know. I know. The world does not revolve around me. This is very selfish of me. But that is why I chose to wear a 'happy' mask that day. As I did not want to rain on their parade, I decided to keep all my sadness in my chest. As I kept it in, I felt my heart like a dam with water to its brim, just about to overflow.

I compose my self. I smile a fake smile.

My husband seemed to have seen passed my thick mask. He asked, "ok ka lang mahal?" Then I lied and said, "yes, I'm ok." Then I turned my back to go to the bathroom. And there I sat, starring at it's turquoise-like wall; feeling the soft rag beneath my feet; rocking myself back and forth; pushing tears away from my eyes, on to the dam - deep, deep inside my heart.

It was hard to keep it in, but I had to. I can't even cry on husband's arms because it will just open a can of worms. And most importantly, it was the day for Mrs. Preggo to celebrate and be happy! It was a happy event, and so be it.

But thank GOD for being there for me... that day wasn't so bad when it ended... in fact, twas good!

Psalm 46
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."

Sweet New York

As a way to help me move on, I thought that since we do not have the luxury of time to go to Japan or China, we are just gonna go to new york for the week end. This way, we get to see how beautiful life really is and more so, I'll be having less time remembering the sad thoughts of what we've been through.

Yes, I just want to move on and get over it. I want to think that all that happened is just a bad dream. I want those thoughts off my head. I want it off NOW.

It was a Thursday when I decided I want to leave the state. By the time my hubby got home, i already have my bag packed. He thought it was some kind of April Fool's joke. But no, I'm not kidding anyone. I want to leave the house. Well, not for long and not alone of course.

Friday afternoon, I left early from work and went straight home just to get our bags and share the ride with my hubby.


American Airlines 1st class is super awesome! It's the most relaxing plane ride I've ever been to. The moment I sat on my seat on the plane, i felt a big relief in my heart. Ahh, i deserve a break! The whole ride was all so smooth! and the fancy fine dining experience while up up up in the air... spectacular! Not to mention, in a press of a button the chair gives me a back massage. ooohhh. so good. and just when I am ready to sleep, i can press another button to let the chair turn into a bed. ahhhh, isn't that phenomenal?. But who can sleep when you are provided with a personal entertainment system with a sound omitting bose headset! I wanted to stay awake and enjoy every piece around me. Ahh, praise GOD for this wonderful vacation.


But oh, I just realized I am wearing 3-4 inches stilettos and left my boots at home. Darn. Now, how will I get to go around new york in this uncomfortable shoes?!






We took a cab on Saturday morning to go to the Jamaica station. Before we hop in the subway, we decided to walk around to look for a convenience store so we can buy a pair of shoes. Despite the place being so eerie, we walked in and out of stores and left with one choice... a pair of super duper yellow shoes. sheeesshhh. I look like big bird or spongebob. But don't tell bigbird and spongebob cuz they'll surely be offended.


For once in my life, I just didn't care how i look. All I want is to have fun. We went to empire state, Madison square garden, Rockefeller center, central park, times square! All in one whole day! And oh, for lunch, we bought hotdog in a bun. It kindda felt weird buying food off a cart in New York. I wondered, "are those clean?." Perhaps it was! But regardless, it was all so yummy.

For dinner, we bought what New York is known for: PIZZA!! In all honesty, it was the best pizza ever! The cheese was soo sooooo good! Ahh... as I type this i crave for it!

To those who have been in NY, you know that NY has it's own flaws. But guess what, the flaw is so badly flawed and deserves a different blog entry!! You oughta read my next blog and be warned before flying there... gggrrrrrr

Don't get me wrong though! Because New York, even with all it's flaws, is such a wonderful place to visit. Will I ever come back? With out a doubt, OF COURSE I WILL! I love new york!

over-FAITH-ing

Ok. So I've written a lot about what I was going through lately.

My mom flew all the way from the Philippines to help me go through the pain. Well, she never had a miscarriage and she could conceive by just winking her eye. But you see, she's my mom. She may not know the experience first hand, but she undoubtedly is connected to me. All the happiness in my life transcends from my heart to hers; and so are the stab of excruciating pain as it quivers its way down my spine.

At one point she told me not to loose faith. She wants to make sure that I won't be like others who backslid.

That is, however, something that is far from happening to me. I may have questioned HIM but never did I loose hope. In fact, the experience made me realize how much room I have for growth in faith. This experience made it clearer to me that I need HIS help to have a stronger faith; And that HE really has plans that I could not foretell.

This reminds me of our 'failed vacation plan.' A week ago I felt the need to go out the country. Not in the Philippines but somewhere that I've never been before. Perhaps, I need to unwind to help myself be back on track. Immediately, I looked for visa requirements to go to Japan. I emailed my always reliable friend Ivy, who was of course very happy to help. I was so ecstatic and I can just imagine myself having fun and going back to the states with a fresh start. Then came Monday, bad news. With our very frantic schedule and jobs, it is just NOT doable. We just can NOT. To my surprise, I wasn't very disappointed. Honest-to-goodness, the first thing that came to my mind was "GOD must have better plans for me!!." Admittedly, I am not the kind of person who normally thinks like that. The typical R****lyn would be very disheartened.

And so I wonder, "what could be a better plan than a trip to Japan?". Ahhh, perhaps GOD is in the works of sending me the Miracle of Life. SOON.

But on second thoughts, I could also be over-reacting, or rather, over-faith-ing. I feel like so enthusiastic to have the gift of life that I over-analyze it.

I just IMAGINE my self accidentally dropping the remote control and asking, "Why?? Why did this happen?? Why did I accidentally drop the remote control?? What is God's plan?? Is HE going to send a new LED 50 inch TV so our soon to be baby can watch spongebob on the big screen?".

I laugh at myself.

Oh men, maybe I'm just expecting too much. Why can't i just pray, "I surrender my life to YOU. May YOUR plans happen, with or with out a baby in the near future. Whatever YOUR will is, I will be shouting for joy."

Instead, I can't help but pray for the miracle of life. I pray that I will soon bear a child. I pray for a healthy pregnancy. And again, if this is not in YOUR plan in the near future, I pray for strength, that I could get by.

In steadfast, I believe, there is a reason as to why the Trip to Japan can't push through. And yes, it may not be because the baby is coming that soon, but whatever the reason is, I look forward to it; For HIS plans are always by far better than mine. Ah! HE’s awesome!

For now, I keep my contraceptive pills in my purse; and will once again, take one tonight. **sigh**